The entire summer between freshmen and sophomore years of college was spent working, babysitting, partying, taxi-driving my sister around, partying, working and worrying if I was going back to college or not. (Yes, I mentioned a couple of those twice…for emphasis). One thing I didn’t do, was worry about my weight. I guess it was always at the back of my mind but it wasn’t something I thought about regularly. Looking back, I realize how unhappy I was but of course then, I was just searching to find out who I was, what I was going to be and how I was going to get there. That 1.9 GPA wasn’t getting me anywhere. Somewhere in the middle of the summer though, my parents did agree to allow me to go back to Elmira for my second year BUT I had to pay for it myself. I agreed because I had no friggen clue what else to do. Little did I know what I was signing up for, or for that matter, what was going to happen that year to change my life. I had been an accounting major and failed miserably at it (hence the 1.9) so I looked for "whatever was easiest" or so I told my college counselor. I signed up for my first class in elementary education. Yeah, I know...it's not easy but hey...what did I know?
It was late August, the day before I was headed back to college for the year and of course that meant PARTY! I drove around Small Town, actually several small towns looking for someone who wanted to hang out and finally did find a group that had nothing else to do. We found something to do! Again, as I reflect, I realize that even though it sounds like I was having the time of my life, I really wasn’t. It was a terrible feeling having to actually FIND someone to hang out with. If you have friends, you just call someone and see what they’re doing. You shouldn’t have to drive all over creation looking for someone to hang with. Now, it’s not that I didn’t have friends. I just didn’t have anyone that I was that close with to hang out with. The few that I was close with either were busy or didn’t want to do anything.
So, after a long night of drinking beverages I shouldn’t have been, I had to get up and drive to college. Word to the wise. Don’t do this. EVER. Half way down the expressway, I had to pull over and puke on the shoulder. When I got there and started unpacking I realized I hadn’t packed ANY underwear and only one towel. Yeah, that sucked. I basically spent the whole first week of my sophomore year wearing the same pair of underwear, washing them in the sink OR going without…which is NOT fun to do as an overweight female. Trust me. First thing Friday when classes were out…I rushed home. Can’t imagine why.
Forgetting those underwear may have actually been the best thing that happened to me. Believe it or not, had I not done that, Sean and I may not be together today. So I went home that weekend (showered and changed!) and went out driving to see if anyone was out and about. Of course none of my friends were, but there on Main St, well just off, was a group of people hanging around, one of those being Sean. While I wasn’t friends with anyone there, I did know several of them and Gina (back from high school) was there with her boyfriend. I just pulled up and decided to hang out. Hell, there was nothing better to do.
After several hours of doing absolutely nothing but listening to Sean's friends make fun of him and stress the idea that he and I should "hook up", Sean asked me if I wanted to get together the next night to watch a movie. Sure. Why not. I didn’t have anything better to do. I immediately called one of the few friends in Small Town that I had. Sandra (name change of course) and I “consulted” about the meaning of this invite for the next 24 hours. I finally came to the conclusion that I would go but I wasn’t into the whole idea of dating because, I was just happier being able to do what I wanted to (as if I hadn’t before- God I was selfish!) without having to deal with anyone. Besides, wasn’t I jumping the gun? Dating? Seriously? The guy just asked me to watch a movie with him and to be honest, I hadn’t really cared for him before, why would that change? Whatever. He was at least paying attention to me.
I went to his house and watched Tombstone. I couldn’t tell you a damn thing about that movie because for one, I hate Westerns. For two, I couldn’t follow it because my head was spinning. I remember clearly thinking “What is wrong with this? Why is he even bothering with me? He must just want a piece of ass because what other reason would someone be interested?” Yeah. I know. But I seriously thought those things. I remember it like it was yesterday. We stayed up almost all night talking, as cliché as that sounds. For someone who I didn’t think much of, I realized we had a lot in common. I left and went home somewhere around 3:00 a.m. and felt somewhat better. I can’t say that I had any better self esteem but I had this weird feeling like I had just met the 3rd and final guy in my life that would like me for me and not judge me on what was on the outside.
I WAS RIGHT
The next weekend I came home to visit Sean (this time without an underwear issue) and we hung out, watched a movie and when I left his house that night, the infamous (if you were at the wedding a year or so later, you know why it was so infamous) comparison about finding the right girl. It went something like this. “Finding the right person in your life is like finding the perfect pick-up truck- you gotta keep looking until you find the right one”. The rest…as they say…is history.
But that’s not where my weight struggle ended. Not even close. As a matter of fact, it only got worse. I was so comfortable with Sean and knew without a doubt that he accepted me as I was, that I took even less care of myself. I didn’t care what I ate. We made processed food because that was quick and easy. We ordered out a lot because he didn’t have a lot of bills so we had money (yeah right!). We also did the one thing that I wasn’t supposed to be doing…drinking. I think almost every weekend we went out and drank and despite my throwing up almost every time, I still gained plenty of weight. I would venture to guess that I was about 190 by the end of sophomore year in college. It doesn’t seem like much more than high school but I had a tiny bit of saving grace that year. Too bad it didn't hit me until much later that this could have been the beginning of the end of the weight problem.
Sophomore year I took a lifeguarding class for college credit. The main requirement to pass was to swim 20 lengths of the pool in under 10 minutes. I was a hell of a swimmer BUT with my weight and lack of exercise, I couldn’t even begin to do it. I tried though. My first day swimming got me a time of 15 minutes 46 seconds. SUCKY! Get this though. This is the kicker. After I would get done swimming, I would get changed, eat some Pringles and drink Mountain Dew. Yeah, breakfast of champions! Sometimes I would have a yogurt but mostly it was the chips and dew diet.
So you ask “why?” Well, I knew fairly early on in sophomore year that I wasn’t going to be able to afford to pay for college as my parents were requiring me to, which meant I was going to have to leave at the end of the year. The meal plan they purchased had plenty of money on it but I didn’t want to use it so I bought the cheap stuff which happened to be chips and pop. Occasionally I would have a roast beef or egg salad sub but mostly it was crap food. I knew that at the end of the year, I would have plenty of money left over to buy tons of crap to take home with me. That would be less food I would have to worry about over the summer. Stupid thinking…I know. I seriously think that was the hoarding issue coming through again.
So each class (twice a week) I swam my ass off, literally. My time slowly improved and I felt like I was making a personal goal each time I took seconds off. I wasn’t paying attention to my weight or what I looked like; I only looked at my time. It sounds crazy, but the better it got, the better I felt about myself. Sean would call at night and I would tell him about how my time changed each class and he would always praise me. It felt good. I still knew I would never hit the 10 minute mark but I got more determined as each class went by. Oddly though, I never put it together that if I quit smoking and ate healthier, I would have blown that 10 minute mark out of the water! I just wasn’t willing to change like that. I thought I could just get by on practicing. I was at least proving to people that I wasn't lazy, or at least I tried to make it look that way.
I almost did get by too. My final time, after an entire semester of swimming, was 11 minutes 12 seconds. I took some major minutes off my time. It wasn’t where it should be, but the instructor passed me anyhow. I passed all of the other requirements, and she noticed what a tremendous improvement I had made so she felt I could pass.
One of the best achievements of my life- passing that lifeguarding class. Not only could I swim 20 lengths of the pool in 11 minutes 12 seconds, but I got my fat ass into a tight bathing suit in front of people!!! I hadn’t done that since the Swim-a-thon!
Sean proposed in December that year. I know...we only dated for about 3 months but it was meant to be. What most people don't know is that on election day in November that year, I actually proposed to him. I was so confident about our relationship that I took that chance. Now it wasn't with a ring or anything but the words were said and tears were cried and there was some utterance of a yes in there. I don't know if either of us took it seriously but it lead to him officially proposing in December. This time, it was right. This time, I wasn't going to mess it up. This time, something was different.
For those of you not familiar with Elmira College, they have tri-mesters not just normal semesters. Basically you get a third, shorter section of classes to take. I didn't make it to my sophomore third semester. It wasn't because of my grades. I had brought them up and been removed from academic probation. I was pulling a 2.8 (not great but better!). It was because every weekend I came home, I was spending almost every day with Sean. I was getting money from my parents and blowing it on partying and overall, I was being very ungrateful to my parents. I stopped following the rules they set because I thought I was hot shit. I felt on top of the world. I had an awesome fiance, we had some awesome friends (both at Elmira and home) and nothing could touch me. Apparently, something could. I broke it to my mom that Sean and I were going to plan a wedding and (still very sore from the first dress being partially paid for, then cancelled), she flipped. A very terrible mother/daughter arguement ensued and before long, she told me to move my stuff out. So I did. I could do this on my own. I didn't need her, or them.
That's what I tried to think, but I was so wrong. In any case, in March 1997, I moved in with Sean, much to my dislike. I didn't want to be in that position but apparently, this hot shit couldn't afford to do anything else. I didn't have a full education to be able to get a good job and with college expenses, I didn't have a chance to go back from the looks of it. I was screwed. So much for knowing everything. Why couldn't my self-esteem work in the right way??? Damn.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Chapter 8-Higher Education
I did the normal college application thing. I got accepted at Elmira (no sense in changing THAT) and was all set to go in the fall. First though, I had to graduate from high school. Hell, I had a few things to do! Some of them, great…others, not so good.
Let’s start with…the not so good. While working at McDonald’s, I noticed something very interesting. The people who were what I thought “good looking” were always put at the counter to take orders and those who were “less than good looking” were put in the back. You may think I’m exaggerating but I’m not. Seriously. I was the ONLY female in the back cooking for the longest time. All of the skinny, cute girls were at the counter offering free smiles. I was put in the back at the grill where I was always too warm, flustered and irritated because I had to smell that damn food all of the time! I notice it’s not the same way now but it was a very interesting observation.
It was through my job at McDonald’s that I crossed paths with the second guy in my life who didn’t judge me based on my outside. At least, I don’t think he did. We honestly became pretty close friends that year. It was weird hanging out with a guy so much but honestly, it was a pretty good friendship. We both had significant others and weren’t interested in anything but being friends. Thinking back, I wonder if it was convenient that I had a car and he didn’t but truthfully, it didn’t matter then and I could really care less now. Sam was a good guy.
This is hard for me to talk about for several reasons. Firstly, I don’t like to be wrong. What woman doesn’t? Really, though, I don’t like being the bad guy in anything, BUT I guess when you put yourself in that position, you probably need to own up and take responsibility for your actions. Secondly, I am ashamed of my actions. I’m not blaming my weight issue for my choices but the issues I had impacted my decisions. I felt crappy about myself so, like I’ve mentioned in earlier chapters, I made crappy choices. I still think about those decisions and now that I teach kids about self esteem and self concept, I realize I’m the poster child for not having any of either.
Sam and I allowed our friendship to go beyond where it should have been, thus cheating on our significant others. I don’t even like writing it now. Ugh. I have to though. It’s a major part of the rest of the story. At least, I think so. The insecurities that I had about myself played a significant role in the choices I made in my relationship. It was the lowest thing I could have done and I know that now. What’s worse is that it wasn’t the last time I made stupid decisions that affected Jake or myself. Ugh. Enough.
So graduation came and went and so did the parties. More alcohol, more food, and basically the beginning of the freshman 50…yes, 50, not 15. Okay, 50 is an exaggeration, but I definitely gained more than the normal 15 during my freshman year of college. I transferred to another McDonald’s out near college so that I could work and go to school. Good idea at the time but definitely added to the weight issue later.
I guess I thought that being accepted in college would be easy. It wasn’t though. I know this is going to sound weird but you could just tell when people didn’t acknowledge you because of what you looked like. It’s that weird attitude where they kind of look at you, think about saying something and then move on to another subject. It’s definitely hard to explain but so obvious when it happens. The girls on my dorm floor were okay, some much better than others. I think the biggest problem was that they weren’t used to my humor (which is pretty much what I tried to get by on socially) and they were turned off by the fact that I was chunky. Irritating, but true.
So it was freshmen year when we had this big party in conjunction with like a Spring Weekend. I can’t remember the name of it exactly but basically it was a free day to get drunk. Anyhow, I did what was required of me and, well…got very intoxicated. As a matter of fact, I got so intoxicated that I ended up breaking out in hives all over my body. Apparently I had a hidden beer allergy that waited until my college years to show up. Good thing…I didn’t care for beer that much anyhow. In college, you drink what’s cheap and beer…is cheap. So, I’m broken out all over my body and in my drunken stupor make a comment to someone, completely joking, about having crabs. (I should have said scabies…but alcohol helped me to mix up my bugs.) I had these hives up and down my arms and from scratching them, they had scratch lines connecting them so it kinda, not really, looked like scabies. Anyhow, apparently the word crabs came out of my mouth.
It didn’t take long for THAT to get out. Yeah. The whole floor heard that I had crabs but of course no one would tell me what was going on. You know how I found out? I went into the normal “smoking” room where we all went to have a cigarette and the bean bag chair I normally sat on was covered in a clear garbage bag. I didn’t think anything of it at first and just had a cigarette. I finally thought to ask the rooms “owner” about it and she had the balls to tell me. I was like in instant tears over that. How could that be? Seriously? I called my mom bawling and asking to drop out of college because I figured I would never live that one down. (I did) She did the right thing and told me to ignore it, after all, I had put up with years of being called Horny Gorney (yeah, blessed with a GREAT last name!) and it didn’t affect me so why should this? She was right. After a very intense dorm meeting where I got to explain my hives/crabs…all was better, but still it was so strange…the girls up there still didn’t treat me the same.
Jake and I were still together and despite my stupidity (which he didn’t know about of course) and we were going to get married. I realize now that it would have been the biggest mistake EVER (no offense- it’s just that you shouldn’t get married to someone you cheat on- it’s a divorce waiting to happen I think) but at the time, I was into it. What I didn’t realize was that his feelings had changed, probably due to the fact that he wanted a completely different wedding than I wanted. He wasn’t physically there to do anything about it so I just went ahead and started making plans the way I wanted it to be. It didn’t take long for things to go south at that point and after having my mom put a down-payment on a dress, he split up with me.
I was upset, no doubt. I did the whole 7th grade stalking thing all over again only this time it was worse. Now I was racking up massive phone bills and not paying them. I realize now though that I had no right to be upset. I asked for it. The one person at that point in my life who I could rely on not to pass judgment on me had been deceived by me. I had it coming. I deserved what I got and shame on me for expecting anything different. Honestly, as devastated as I felt, I think I was more embarrassed than anything because now I had to tell my mom. Yeah, that didn’t go too well.
So I stuck in a few extra pounds after the initial shock of being single wore off. (I lost weight while I was grieving) College life returned to normal and I was ready to finish up that year with a bang. Oh and was it! (a bang!) I must say that I did not party nearly as much as most of the people I lived with. I even have video to show it! Instead of drinking, dancing and hanging out in whatever club a fake I.D. could get me into, I worked at Mickey D’s to make up some of the money that my parents couldn’t afford to give me. I would have better off partying. I would have gained less weight! In any case, due to my work-a-holic ways, I went home freshman year with no boyfriend, a couple good friends, a whole lot of laundry, and a 1.9 GPA and to top it off, that almost made me a permanent fixture in Small Town as a 1.9 was not acceptable. Shit. Now what?
Let’s start with…the not so good. While working at McDonald’s, I noticed something very interesting. The people who were what I thought “good looking” were always put at the counter to take orders and those who were “less than good looking” were put in the back. You may think I’m exaggerating but I’m not. Seriously. I was the ONLY female in the back cooking for the longest time. All of the skinny, cute girls were at the counter offering free smiles. I was put in the back at the grill where I was always too warm, flustered and irritated because I had to smell that damn food all of the time! I notice it’s not the same way now but it was a very interesting observation.
It was through my job at McDonald’s that I crossed paths with the second guy in my life who didn’t judge me based on my outside. At least, I don’t think he did. We honestly became pretty close friends that year. It was weird hanging out with a guy so much but honestly, it was a pretty good friendship. We both had significant others and weren’t interested in anything but being friends. Thinking back, I wonder if it was convenient that I had a car and he didn’t but truthfully, it didn’t matter then and I could really care less now. Sam was a good guy.
This is hard for me to talk about for several reasons. Firstly, I don’t like to be wrong. What woman doesn’t? Really, though, I don’t like being the bad guy in anything, BUT I guess when you put yourself in that position, you probably need to own up and take responsibility for your actions. Secondly, I am ashamed of my actions. I’m not blaming my weight issue for my choices but the issues I had impacted my decisions. I felt crappy about myself so, like I’ve mentioned in earlier chapters, I made crappy choices. I still think about those decisions and now that I teach kids about self esteem and self concept, I realize I’m the poster child for not having any of either.
Sam and I allowed our friendship to go beyond where it should have been, thus cheating on our significant others. I don’t even like writing it now. Ugh. I have to though. It’s a major part of the rest of the story. At least, I think so. The insecurities that I had about myself played a significant role in the choices I made in my relationship. It was the lowest thing I could have done and I know that now. What’s worse is that it wasn’t the last time I made stupid decisions that affected Jake or myself. Ugh. Enough.
So graduation came and went and so did the parties. More alcohol, more food, and basically the beginning of the freshman 50…yes, 50, not 15. Okay, 50 is an exaggeration, but I definitely gained more than the normal 15 during my freshman year of college. I transferred to another McDonald’s out near college so that I could work and go to school. Good idea at the time but definitely added to the weight issue later.
I guess I thought that being accepted in college would be easy. It wasn’t though. I know this is going to sound weird but you could just tell when people didn’t acknowledge you because of what you looked like. It’s that weird attitude where they kind of look at you, think about saying something and then move on to another subject. It’s definitely hard to explain but so obvious when it happens. The girls on my dorm floor were okay, some much better than others. I think the biggest problem was that they weren’t used to my humor (which is pretty much what I tried to get by on socially) and they were turned off by the fact that I was chunky. Irritating, but true.
So it was freshmen year when we had this big party in conjunction with like a Spring Weekend. I can’t remember the name of it exactly but basically it was a free day to get drunk. Anyhow, I did what was required of me and, well…got very intoxicated. As a matter of fact, I got so intoxicated that I ended up breaking out in hives all over my body. Apparently I had a hidden beer allergy that waited until my college years to show up. Good thing…I didn’t care for beer that much anyhow. In college, you drink what’s cheap and beer…is cheap. So, I’m broken out all over my body and in my drunken stupor make a comment to someone, completely joking, about having crabs. (I should have said scabies…but alcohol helped me to mix up my bugs.) I had these hives up and down my arms and from scratching them, they had scratch lines connecting them so it kinda, not really, looked like scabies. Anyhow, apparently the word crabs came out of my mouth.
It didn’t take long for THAT to get out. Yeah. The whole floor heard that I had crabs but of course no one would tell me what was going on. You know how I found out? I went into the normal “smoking” room where we all went to have a cigarette and the bean bag chair I normally sat on was covered in a clear garbage bag. I didn’t think anything of it at first and just had a cigarette. I finally thought to ask the rooms “owner” about it and she had the balls to tell me. I was like in instant tears over that. How could that be? Seriously? I called my mom bawling and asking to drop out of college because I figured I would never live that one down. (I did) She did the right thing and told me to ignore it, after all, I had put up with years of being called Horny Gorney (yeah, blessed with a GREAT last name!) and it didn’t affect me so why should this? She was right. After a very intense dorm meeting where I got to explain my hives/crabs…all was better, but still it was so strange…the girls up there still didn’t treat me the same.
Jake and I were still together and despite my stupidity (which he didn’t know about of course) and we were going to get married. I realize now that it would have been the biggest mistake EVER (no offense- it’s just that you shouldn’t get married to someone you cheat on- it’s a divorce waiting to happen I think) but at the time, I was into it. What I didn’t realize was that his feelings had changed, probably due to the fact that he wanted a completely different wedding than I wanted. He wasn’t physically there to do anything about it so I just went ahead and started making plans the way I wanted it to be. It didn’t take long for things to go south at that point and after having my mom put a down-payment on a dress, he split up with me.
I was upset, no doubt. I did the whole 7th grade stalking thing all over again only this time it was worse. Now I was racking up massive phone bills and not paying them. I realize now though that I had no right to be upset. I asked for it. The one person at that point in my life who I could rely on not to pass judgment on me had been deceived by me. I had it coming. I deserved what I got and shame on me for expecting anything different. Honestly, as devastated as I felt, I think I was more embarrassed than anything because now I had to tell my mom. Yeah, that didn’t go too well.
So I stuck in a few extra pounds after the initial shock of being single wore off. (I lost weight while I was grieving) College life returned to normal and I was ready to finish up that year with a bang. Oh and was it! (a bang!) I must say that I did not party nearly as much as most of the people I lived with. I even have video to show it! Instead of drinking, dancing and hanging out in whatever club a fake I.D. could get me into, I worked at Mickey D’s to make up some of the money that my parents couldn’t afford to give me. I would have better off partying. I would have gained less weight! In any case, due to my work-a-holic ways, I went home freshman year with no boyfriend, a couple good friends, a whole lot of laundry, and a 1.9 GPA and to top it off, that almost made me a permanent fixture in Small Town as a 1.9 was not acceptable. Shit. Now what?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Chapter 7- High School The Final Years
Before I was even 16, I worked at local places under the table because I wanted money. I had started hoarding money, almost like I had hoarded food. By senior year though, my parents encouraged me to work (especially if I wanted to keep that car on the road) I worked at local places in Small Town under the table and when I was finally old enough, a friend talked me into working at McDonald’s which sounded great at the time. I never realized that it would be the beginning of the end for me as far as feeling good about myself was concerned. Fortunately, there were some changes in my life that year that at the very least slowed down the whole process of losing myself again.
One of those changes was having Jake come back into my life. Remember him? He was the guy who was a good friend of my first boyfriend. Ok so if you’re confused, go back. Anyhow, Jake had gone off to the military after high school and I had more or less lost contact with him except for the time or two we did get in touch. In any case, near the beginning of senior year, he became a permanent fixture in my life. Again, he was the first person I remember in my life who did not judge me for what I looked like or more importantly what I weighed. He just accepted me for me. I didn’t learn truly realize that until sometime after our relationship ended though.
About 3 weeks after Jake came into my life, I received a phone call from Sean. What’s that saying? “When it rains, it pours.” I went forever (or what seemed like forever) without really dating anyone exclusively (not due to my own choice!) and when I finally get into a relationship…there’s someone else there who’s interested. I’m telling you…I just didn’t have any luck! So, Sean, very politely (and obviously very nervously) asked me if I was interested in going out. I was truly flattered, even if I still didn’t have a good opinion of him. Of course I said “no” and explained that I had just entered a relationship. He must have been a little irritated because he didn’t even wait for me to finish explaining…he was ready to get off the phone pretty quickly. So now, the fat girl had not one, but two people interested in her. What are the odds?
Things continued with Jake throughout my senior year, even though he was in the military and not around. Work at McDonald’s continued and of course, my lack of activity continued as well. I think what made it worse was that I was now eating McDonald’s food all of the time. I didn’t even realize that I was gaining weight now. I still felt good. I had a job, a car, a boyfriend, friends, parties, class president (as I was voted in for another year!) and my parents pretty much gave me the room to do as I pleased. Life was good. I didn’t care about my weight because so many other things were going on. Of course all good things come to an end.
With all of those things in my life, I stopped saving money and started spending it. I spent it so much that I had to start asking for money for gas to get to work. My parents, like many, said yes reluctantly at first but then started getting pretty pissed about it. My mom would send me to the reservation to pick her up cigarettes and with her change, I was buying my own. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it, I picked up a terrible habit my senior year. I was smoking. I think I started because it was something to do and plenty of friends were doing it too. All it really did was make my lunch break at work much shorter. It was difficult to get in my free meal and a cigarette in 30 minutes or less. What money I wasn’t spending on cigarettes, I was spending on beer for parties on the weekend. I had made some good friends at McDonald’s so I was hanging out with them and spending money. The point is, before long, my parents had enough and put a stop to it. Hang on to your hats. This is going to be a bumpy ride.
I decided to pierce my belly button. Yes. Seriously. I know you’re thinking that if I was a fat girl, who in the world would I show off this addition to my body to? Who would even be interested in seeing it? Well, don’t worry, no one was. I just did it because I thought it would be cool. The worst of it was that I did it myself and I did a piss poor job. I couldn’t even wear my pants for work (which were getting tighter by the week anyhow) because the waistline rubbed on it and made it hurt. So how did this make a difference in my life? Well, the whole idea that everyone in Small Town knows it when you don’t change your underwear applied itself to this. Someone downtown told my mom and dad that I had pierced my belly button. My mom wasn’t all that happy and what started out as a simple mother-daughter fight, turned into a huge blow out. I don’t even remember all of the details- just that by the end I learned a valuable lesson- don’t piss my dad off.
My mom told me to get out of her house if I wasn’t going to follow her rules, so, being the incredibly intelligent, self-sufficient, smarter than thou teenager that I was, I left! Why not? I didn’t need them. Ha! Well, luckily I had a friend (Gina) who’s parents were willing to help me out and let me stay there for a few days while things cooled down in my house. I took my car, a few items of clothing and off I went. I was only at Gina’s house for two days when a family friend, who I had done a lot of babysitting for offered to let me stay at her house. I figured it was best since my mom had already sent a flatbed down to get the car. (While it was sitting there, we decided that we were smarter than the average teens and tried to ciphon the gas out of it-yeah, it didn’t go so well and we really messed the car up).
For 10 days I stayed with Annie. I was pretty grateful at the time, and I’ve obviously never forgotten it. I’m not sure what did it, but eventually my parents calmed down and they let me come back home. I figured I had it made though. I was going to walk in, put my stuff down and I would just avoid them for a bit until things got back to normal. Ooops. Apparently my parents weren’t on the same page as I was. Here’s how it went:
Dad: If you are going to live here. You are going to pay rent.
Know it all Maxine: No, I’m not
Dad: (SLAP across Know it all’s face). Yes, you are.
Know it all Maxine: (straight faced, no tears) No, I’m not (a little louder)
Dad: (SLAP across Know it all’s face again). Yes you are.
Know it all Maxine: (only a little shaken-but not enough to keep mouth shut) NO….I’M NOT.
Dad: (SLAP across Know it all’s face a third-and final- time). YES…YOU ARE.
Defeated Know it all Maxine: (crying finally and walks away)
Dad: (To Know it all, as she is walking away to hide in her bedroom and find something yummy to eat) You will pay $25 a week to me after you get your paycheck. We will adjust your payment if you don’t make enough however plan on giving me $25 at minimum.
Ok, before you get all “time to call CPS” on me or him for that matter, consider this. That was the biggest lesson I EVER learned in my life. I was wasting money left and right on next to nothing and didn’t have a dime to show for all of the work I was doing. My dad took that $25 a week that I paid him and put it away for me (little did I know) so I would have money to take on my senior trip. Yeah. I learned a lesson the hard way. Go figure.
It was that year that I went to prom with friends and a balloon I named Chuck (no need to protect Chuck so I used his real name!). Yes, I said balloon. Jake was still in the military and couldn’t come home for prom so I had to create a date which I did with a stray balloon. He had a cute little drawn on face and was pink. Real men wear pink don’t they? Anyhow, humor, I had found, took the focus off me.
What many people didn’t know is that I made my senior year prom dress. I had help and to be honest, I couldn’t sew a lick today but it was part of a project in Home Economics and I did it. At least I didn’t have to go store to store looking for a dress that was appropriate and fit right like I had the year before. It was uncomfortable having to tell my teacher my size so she could help me figure out what pattern to get and how much material to buy. Like I said before, I was probably about 150-160 lbs at this point. Ideally, I should have been closer to 120, maybe 130 but I wasn’t and those numbers had long passed. I can’t begin to explain how much I felt like an idiot when girls asked about my dress and I told them I made it. Of course, I never explained the true reason WHY I was making one instead of buying one, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they knew that anyhow. I wish I still had that dress now, I would love to try it on just to see…
After the prom, we went to a party where, yes, we drank a bit too much alcohol. It was wrong, I know. I’m not promoting it so don’t get all righteous on me. Drinking with everyone made me funnier, or so I thought, and the funnier I got, the more people paid attention. I found that I liked making people laugh (and it was so much easier when I was wasted). I did stupid things- they laughed. I said stupid things- they laughed. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. Again, humor took the focus off what I looked like. People were laughing WITH me and not AT me. That was a nice change. It didn’t change the feelings inside though. I was starting to go downhill and head back to the insecure me that I had been.
One of those changes was having Jake come back into my life. Remember him? He was the guy who was a good friend of my first boyfriend. Ok so if you’re confused, go back. Anyhow, Jake had gone off to the military after high school and I had more or less lost contact with him except for the time or two we did get in touch. In any case, near the beginning of senior year, he became a permanent fixture in my life. Again, he was the first person I remember in my life who did not judge me for what I looked like or more importantly what I weighed. He just accepted me for me. I didn’t learn truly realize that until sometime after our relationship ended though.
About 3 weeks after Jake came into my life, I received a phone call from Sean. What’s that saying? “When it rains, it pours.” I went forever (or what seemed like forever) without really dating anyone exclusively (not due to my own choice!) and when I finally get into a relationship…there’s someone else there who’s interested. I’m telling you…I just didn’t have any luck! So, Sean, very politely (and obviously very nervously) asked me if I was interested in going out. I was truly flattered, even if I still didn’t have a good opinion of him. Of course I said “no” and explained that I had just entered a relationship. He must have been a little irritated because he didn’t even wait for me to finish explaining…he was ready to get off the phone pretty quickly. So now, the fat girl had not one, but two people interested in her. What are the odds?
Things continued with Jake throughout my senior year, even though he was in the military and not around. Work at McDonald’s continued and of course, my lack of activity continued as well. I think what made it worse was that I was now eating McDonald’s food all of the time. I didn’t even realize that I was gaining weight now. I still felt good. I had a job, a car, a boyfriend, friends, parties, class president (as I was voted in for another year!) and my parents pretty much gave me the room to do as I pleased. Life was good. I didn’t care about my weight because so many other things were going on. Of course all good things come to an end.
With all of those things in my life, I stopped saving money and started spending it. I spent it so much that I had to start asking for money for gas to get to work. My parents, like many, said yes reluctantly at first but then started getting pretty pissed about it. My mom would send me to the reservation to pick her up cigarettes and with her change, I was buying my own. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it, I picked up a terrible habit my senior year. I was smoking. I think I started because it was something to do and plenty of friends were doing it too. All it really did was make my lunch break at work much shorter. It was difficult to get in my free meal and a cigarette in 30 minutes or less. What money I wasn’t spending on cigarettes, I was spending on beer for parties on the weekend. I had made some good friends at McDonald’s so I was hanging out with them and spending money. The point is, before long, my parents had enough and put a stop to it. Hang on to your hats. This is going to be a bumpy ride.
I decided to pierce my belly button. Yes. Seriously. I know you’re thinking that if I was a fat girl, who in the world would I show off this addition to my body to? Who would even be interested in seeing it? Well, don’t worry, no one was. I just did it because I thought it would be cool. The worst of it was that I did it myself and I did a piss poor job. I couldn’t even wear my pants for work (which were getting tighter by the week anyhow) because the waistline rubbed on it and made it hurt. So how did this make a difference in my life? Well, the whole idea that everyone in Small Town knows it when you don’t change your underwear applied itself to this. Someone downtown told my mom and dad that I had pierced my belly button. My mom wasn’t all that happy and what started out as a simple mother-daughter fight, turned into a huge blow out. I don’t even remember all of the details- just that by the end I learned a valuable lesson- don’t piss my dad off.
My mom told me to get out of her house if I wasn’t going to follow her rules, so, being the incredibly intelligent, self-sufficient, smarter than thou teenager that I was, I left! Why not? I didn’t need them. Ha! Well, luckily I had a friend (Gina) who’s parents were willing to help me out and let me stay there for a few days while things cooled down in my house. I took my car, a few items of clothing and off I went. I was only at Gina’s house for two days when a family friend, who I had done a lot of babysitting for offered to let me stay at her house. I figured it was best since my mom had already sent a flatbed down to get the car. (While it was sitting there, we decided that we were smarter than the average teens and tried to ciphon the gas out of it-yeah, it didn’t go so well and we really messed the car up).
For 10 days I stayed with Annie. I was pretty grateful at the time, and I’ve obviously never forgotten it. I’m not sure what did it, but eventually my parents calmed down and they let me come back home. I figured I had it made though. I was going to walk in, put my stuff down and I would just avoid them for a bit until things got back to normal. Ooops. Apparently my parents weren’t on the same page as I was. Here’s how it went:
Dad: If you are going to live here. You are going to pay rent.
Know it all Maxine: No, I’m not
Dad: (SLAP across Know it all’s face). Yes, you are.
Know it all Maxine: (straight faced, no tears) No, I’m not (a little louder)
Dad: (SLAP across Know it all’s face again). Yes you are.
Know it all Maxine: (only a little shaken-but not enough to keep mouth shut) NO….I’M NOT.
Dad: (SLAP across Know it all’s face a third-and final- time). YES…YOU ARE.
Defeated Know it all Maxine: (crying finally and walks away)
Dad: (To Know it all, as she is walking away to hide in her bedroom and find something yummy to eat) You will pay $25 a week to me after you get your paycheck. We will adjust your payment if you don’t make enough however plan on giving me $25 at minimum.
Ok, before you get all “time to call CPS” on me or him for that matter, consider this. That was the biggest lesson I EVER learned in my life. I was wasting money left and right on next to nothing and didn’t have a dime to show for all of the work I was doing. My dad took that $25 a week that I paid him and put it away for me (little did I know) so I would have money to take on my senior trip. Yeah. I learned a lesson the hard way. Go figure.
It was that year that I went to prom with friends and a balloon I named Chuck (no need to protect Chuck so I used his real name!). Yes, I said balloon. Jake was still in the military and couldn’t come home for prom so I had to create a date which I did with a stray balloon. He had a cute little drawn on face and was pink. Real men wear pink don’t they? Anyhow, humor, I had found, took the focus off me.
What many people didn’t know is that I made my senior year prom dress. I had help and to be honest, I couldn’t sew a lick today but it was part of a project in Home Economics and I did it. At least I didn’t have to go store to store looking for a dress that was appropriate and fit right like I had the year before. It was uncomfortable having to tell my teacher my size so she could help me figure out what pattern to get and how much material to buy. Like I said before, I was probably about 150-160 lbs at this point. Ideally, I should have been closer to 120, maybe 130 but I wasn’t and those numbers had long passed. I can’t begin to explain how much I felt like an idiot when girls asked about my dress and I told them I made it. Of course, I never explained the true reason WHY I was making one instead of buying one, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they knew that anyhow. I wish I still had that dress now, I would love to try it on just to see…
After the prom, we went to a party where, yes, we drank a bit too much alcohol. It was wrong, I know. I’m not promoting it so don’t get all righteous on me. Drinking with everyone made me funnier, or so I thought, and the funnier I got, the more people paid attention. I found that I liked making people laugh (and it was so much easier when I was wasted). I did stupid things- they laughed. I said stupid things- they laughed. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. Again, humor took the focus off what I looked like. People were laughing WITH me and not AT me. That was a nice change. It didn’t change the feelings inside though. I was starting to go downhill and head back to the insecure me that I had been.
Chapter 6- High School- Part 3
You would think that I would have been the quiet kid. You know, the one who wouldn’t speak up often, a wallflower as such. I wasn’t though. I was a doormat, but I wasn’t a wallflower. I can actually say that my very close friend helped me find myself by the end of that year. I could easily dub 10th grade as the year I became me. Odd. You wonder why. I became me that year but after high school, I forgot who I was and it wasn’t until very recently that I realized who I was again. Amazing how weight could be so important in that whole process.
I can’t remember the course of events totally but somehow I became class vice-president and a very good friend was president. We can call her Trisha. Trisha was dating this guy, who I really didn’t care for. He seemed like a big baby to me and he really wasn’t that sociable. I had met him back in 9th grade because he had been dating another friend at the time. We can call him Sean, and that’s no name change. I’m sure you will understand why later, if you don’t already. I can remember getting so upset with Trisha for spending all of her time with Sean and forgetting her friends but as I found out later, that’s exactly what happens to most teen girls.
Anyhow, due to unforeseen circumstances, Trisha ended up having to move away. Not only did I lose a friend but, her position as class president came open. As vice-president, I was given the opportunity to complete the school year as president. CRACK! Any shell that was keeping me in was gone. I realized quickly that I was meant to do this kind of thing. I was meant to be a leader, even if it was just for a bunch of teenagers. This was where I began to find “me”. I know not everyone agreed with me and I tried way to hard to please everyone but this was what I was meant to do. I could easily dub 10th grade as the best year. As for my weight, I think I stopped letting it bother me as much because I had other things to focus on.
In fall of my 11th grade year (1993-1994) when school started back up, I took on the role as the class president by getting VOTED in. Yes! Inside, I felt equal to the others. I felt popular in some sort of way. Maybe it was because I felt accepted. I don’t know what it was for sure, but it felt good. I was in my element. No matter what I looked like on the outside, I believed that somehow people had faith in me. That’s what I tried to think at least. I took that role very seriously. Some may say I went overboard but I don’t care. I knew I was doing what I needed to be doing- for ME. In addition, I knew that if I had stayed in Suburbia, I didn’t have a chance in hell of having that type of position so I was thankful (finally) that we had moved. As a class, we set a goal of going to Disney World on our senior trip. No class had gone since like the beginning of time because whoever did go before apparently didn’t behave.
That year I continued with volleyball and having to walk from school to home. Any summer weight I gained, I at least hid by toning up. I was still bigger than most of the other girls though. I still played the bench which didn’t do me any favors but when you’re playing a game to win, you don’t want the clutzy, fat girl playing. I didn’t like it but I understood and went with it. Honestly, my heart wasn’t in it. I think I was only playing because I wanted to be accepted by the other girls playing and maybe be noticed by some of the more athletically inclined guys. Neither really happened.
Skiing, like I said, I stuck with even if I didn’t really give a damn about Kyle anymore. Cheerleading though…that was just a joke that nobody clued me in on. Why didn’t someone just say, “you’re too big to be a cheerleader”? I got tired of the drama that followed all cheerleading squads and to be honest, I think I had gained so much pride by becoming class president that I finally had too much pride to let my fat ass hang out of a small skirt that certainly didn’t do any justice to my (full) figure. No cheerleading for the rest of my high school life. Thank God. I learned a lot but having girls stand on me was no longer in the cards.
I think prom junior year truly engulfs the entire idea that guys weren’t interested in the heavy chick. While some of the other girls in my class had been going to prom since they were in 8th or 9th grade, depending on their boyfriends, I had not had that opportunity. When junior year came around, I wanted to go to prom. My friend hooked me up with a “blind date” type thing with this guy from another district. He seemed nice and I figured maybe it would turn into something. Completely a pun intended here…Fat chance!
Because of my plus size, finding a normal prom dress was difficult but we did it. I can’t say that it was really a prom type dress but it worked. I look at pictures now and it was pretty, just not something normal for prom. In any case, at least I had something and it fit me right.
My parents, who have always gone above and beyond with certain things (yet sometimes the most basic things were overlooked) went sky’s the limit with this prom. I think that deep down, they were pretty happy that I had a date and was doing the whole prom thing just like the other kids. I arrived at the prom with my date and two others in style; a white limo pulled into Small Town Central’s back parking lot and let us out. No one else had that so I was cool (or so I thought). What I didn’t know is that behind the scenes (or behind our backs) people were making fun of the whole thing. I couldn’t understand it then really but now I know why. I still wasn’t accepted as part of the “in-crowd, even though I was getting a Regents diploma, I played sports, I was class president and to top it off, now I was going to prom! Wow…what did a girl have to do?
So the evening started out fine. Rick and I (that’s my dates alias) had dinner, talked, got pictures done and danced once. Of course I flitted around to talk with friends and I watched people dance. (I may have danced too but I’ve never been a fan to be honest). I started to notice that Rick was hanging around with a girl who was in a class below me. I really didn’t think anything of it at first. Then I noticed he was slow dancing with her…not once, but almost every song. He was whispering in her ear. No matter what he was saying, his actions spoke so much louder. I was getting ditched at the prom! Damnit! (I could throw in another WTF right here!). How lucky was that? By the end of the night I was so glad to be going home, that the limo couldn’t get there quick enough. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how disappointing it was for me. My own date, ditched me for another girl at the PROM! You know that karma thing? Well, it wasn’t too many days later that I heard that Rick had some “issues” in the past, like putting dead puppies in the freezer until spring when they could bury them. Yeah. I guess I wasn’t missing out on as much as I thought. Sayonara Rick!
My size and clutziness became obvious during gym class in 11th grade. I wasn't able to get out of gym as easily in high school as I had been able to in middle school. Coach didn't give us the opportunity to write lines for forgetting gym clothes. He just went all the way to the top. If we weren't prepared for gym, he threatened to have you wear one of those wrestling leotard things. Now I don't know anyone who had to but I sure wasn't going to be the first! Can you just imagine a fat girl in one of those??? I would have been MORE scarred for life! So anyhow, it was during 11th grade that I ended up on injured reserve because I couldn't keep up. If you went to Small Town Central, you knew the most hated gym class were those where we had to square dance! Ugh. I hated the idea of touching other people and having them touch me! I was insecure still, even if I did a hell of a job hiding it. So here we are, just dosey-doing and promenading around the gym and I decided to give my dosey do a little personality and when I came down, CRACK...there goes an ankle. I friggen sprained my ankle square dancing. Coach said it was only the 2nd injury he had during that unit EVER. God that made me feel like crap. Anyhow, as if that wasn't embarassing enough, I was too heavy and too weak in the arms to carry myself around on crutches and ended up using them incorrectly which resulted in pinched nerves under my arms. I just can't win!
Maybe 11th grade wasn’t the greatest but senior year was awesome! Hell yeah! We were seniors! We were getting out of there and never coming back! I always say, you spend 4 years trying to get out of high school and then another 4 more wishing you could go back. Not me! I wasn’t going to be that person! I was moving on to bigger, better things! Uh huh…yeah…we’ll see.
During the summer between my junior and senior years, I was afforded a luxury that many 16 year old kids were not. I was given a car as a 16th birthday present. It wasn’t any old car either. It was a 1986 Cadillac Seville. Yeah. Leather interior, digital display and a black cherry color to die for. It was nice. My mom saved that car for me I think. In any case, do you know how much crap I took from kids at school for it? I thought I had overcome the fat thing, even though I hadn’t overcome being fat. I thought that maybe I had made some headway in the whole social aspect of being a teenager but apparently having a car given to you was a big no-no. I wish I had read the rule book for teenagers BEFORE I became one! Oh well.
I can’t remember the course of events totally but somehow I became class vice-president and a very good friend was president. We can call her Trisha. Trisha was dating this guy, who I really didn’t care for. He seemed like a big baby to me and he really wasn’t that sociable. I had met him back in 9th grade because he had been dating another friend at the time. We can call him Sean, and that’s no name change. I’m sure you will understand why later, if you don’t already. I can remember getting so upset with Trisha for spending all of her time with Sean and forgetting her friends but as I found out later, that’s exactly what happens to most teen girls.
Anyhow, due to unforeseen circumstances, Trisha ended up having to move away. Not only did I lose a friend but, her position as class president came open. As vice-president, I was given the opportunity to complete the school year as president. CRACK! Any shell that was keeping me in was gone. I realized quickly that I was meant to do this kind of thing. I was meant to be a leader, even if it was just for a bunch of teenagers. This was where I began to find “me”. I know not everyone agreed with me and I tried way to hard to please everyone but this was what I was meant to do. I could easily dub 10th grade as the best year. As for my weight, I think I stopped letting it bother me as much because I had other things to focus on.
In fall of my 11th grade year (1993-1994) when school started back up, I took on the role as the class president by getting VOTED in. Yes! Inside, I felt equal to the others. I felt popular in some sort of way. Maybe it was because I felt accepted. I don’t know what it was for sure, but it felt good. I was in my element. No matter what I looked like on the outside, I believed that somehow people had faith in me. That’s what I tried to think at least. I took that role very seriously. Some may say I went overboard but I don’t care. I knew I was doing what I needed to be doing- for ME. In addition, I knew that if I had stayed in Suburbia, I didn’t have a chance in hell of having that type of position so I was thankful (finally) that we had moved. As a class, we set a goal of going to Disney World on our senior trip. No class had gone since like the beginning of time because whoever did go before apparently didn’t behave.
That year I continued with volleyball and having to walk from school to home. Any summer weight I gained, I at least hid by toning up. I was still bigger than most of the other girls though. I still played the bench which didn’t do me any favors but when you’re playing a game to win, you don’t want the clutzy, fat girl playing. I didn’t like it but I understood and went with it. Honestly, my heart wasn’t in it. I think I was only playing because I wanted to be accepted by the other girls playing and maybe be noticed by some of the more athletically inclined guys. Neither really happened.
Skiing, like I said, I stuck with even if I didn’t really give a damn about Kyle anymore. Cheerleading though…that was just a joke that nobody clued me in on. Why didn’t someone just say, “you’re too big to be a cheerleader”? I got tired of the drama that followed all cheerleading squads and to be honest, I think I had gained so much pride by becoming class president that I finally had too much pride to let my fat ass hang out of a small skirt that certainly didn’t do any justice to my (full) figure. No cheerleading for the rest of my high school life. Thank God. I learned a lot but having girls stand on me was no longer in the cards.
I think prom junior year truly engulfs the entire idea that guys weren’t interested in the heavy chick. While some of the other girls in my class had been going to prom since they were in 8th or 9th grade, depending on their boyfriends, I had not had that opportunity. When junior year came around, I wanted to go to prom. My friend hooked me up with a “blind date” type thing with this guy from another district. He seemed nice and I figured maybe it would turn into something. Completely a pun intended here…Fat chance!
Because of my plus size, finding a normal prom dress was difficult but we did it. I can’t say that it was really a prom type dress but it worked. I look at pictures now and it was pretty, just not something normal for prom. In any case, at least I had something and it fit me right.
My parents, who have always gone above and beyond with certain things (yet sometimes the most basic things were overlooked) went sky’s the limit with this prom. I think that deep down, they were pretty happy that I had a date and was doing the whole prom thing just like the other kids. I arrived at the prom with my date and two others in style; a white limo pulled into Small Town Central’s back parking lot and let us out. No one else had that so I was cool (or so I thought). What I didn’t know is that behind the scenes (or behind our backs) people were making fun of the whole thing. I couldn’t understand it then really but now I know why. I still wasn’t accepted as part of the “in-crowd, even though I was getting a Regents diploma, I played sports, I was class president and to top it off, now I was going to prom! Wow…what did a girl have to do?
So the evening started out fine. Rick and I (that’s my dates alias) had dinner, talked, got pictures done and danced once. Of course I flitted around to talk with friends and I watched people dance. (I may have danced too but I’ve never been a fan to be honest). I started to notice that Rick was hanging around with a girl who was in a class below me. I really didn’t think anything of it at first. Then I noticed he was slow dancing with her…not once, but almost every song. He was whispering in her ear. No matter what he was saying, his actions spoke so much louder. I was getting ditched at the prom! Damnit! (I could throw in another WTF right here!). How lucky was that? By the end of the night I was so glad to be going home, that the limo couldn’t get there quick enough. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how disappointing it was for me. My own date, ditched me for another girl at the PROM! You know that karma thing? Well, it wasn’t too many days later that I heard that Rick had some “issues” in the past, like putting dead puppies in the freezer until spring when they could bury them. Yeah. I guess I wasn’t missing out on as much as I thought. Sayonara Rick!
My size and clutziness became obvious during gym class in 11th grade. I wasn't able to get out of gym as easily in high school as I had been able to in middle school. Coach didn't give us the opportunity to write lines for forgetting gym clothes. He just went all the way to the top. If we weren't prepared for gym, he threatened to have you wear one of those wrestling leotard things. Now I don't know anyone who had to but I sure wasn't going to be the first! Can you just imagine a fat girl in one of those??? I would have been MORE scarred for life! So anyhow, it was during 11th grade that I ended up on injured reserve because I couldn't keep up. If you went to Small Town Central, you knew the most hated gym class were those where we had to square dance! Ugh. I hated the idea of touching other people and having them touch me! I was insecure still, even if I did a hell of a job hiding it. So here we are, just dosey-doing and promenading around the gym and I decided to give my dosey do a little personality and when I came down, CRACK...there goes an ankle. I friggen sprained my ankle square dancing. Coach said it was only the 2nd injury he had during that unit EVER. God that made me feel like crap. Anyhow, as if that wasn't embarassing enough, I was too heavy and too weak in the arms to carry myself around on crutches and ended up using them incorrectly which resulted in pinched nerves under my arms. I just can't win!
Maybe 11th grade wasn’t the greatest but senior year was awesome! Hell yeah! We were seniors! We were getting out of there and never coming back! I always say, you spend 4 years trying to get out of high school and then another 4 more wishing you could go back. Not me! I wasn’t going to be that person! I was moving on to bigger, better things! Uh huh…yeah…we’ll see.
During the summer between my junior and senior years, I was afforded a luxury that many 16 year old kids were not. I was given a car as a 16th birthday present. It wasn’t any old car either. It was a 1986 Cadillac Seville. Yeah. Leather interior, digital display and a black cherry color to die for. It was nice. My mom saved that car for me I think. In any case, do you know how much crap I took from kids at school for it? I thought I had overcome the fat thing, even though I hadn’t overcome being fat. I thought that maybe I had made some headway in the whole social aspect of being a teenager but apparently having a car given to you was a big no-no. I wish I had read the rule book for teenagers BEFORE I became one! Oh well.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Chapter 5- High School Part Deux
Before I continue this blog, I guess it's important to mention that I am fully aware that my life as a teenager wasn't terrible. It wasn't like I was picked on so much that I didn't think I could go on. I wasn't ridiculed beyond the point of wanting to go to school. I wasn't a complete outcast. I'm sure there were things said behind my back but I can't tell you for sure. In any case, if you're looking for that story that tells you how awful things were and how I overcame such adversity to be where I am today, you're not going to get it from this blog. What you are going to get is a good look into how life was for me as the overweight, larger girl. The funny thing is, whether you're fat, skinny, short, tall, black, white or anywhere in between, you can probably relate to these memories. It's not just about being overweight. It's about not being what our society considers "perfect". You'll see how my size dictated who I was, or was trying to be. You'll see how my choices came directly from my self-esteem, or lack thereof. Finally, you'll see (eventually) how we change as individuals throughout the years. Thank God for that!
At one point in 9th grade I started "dating" a classmate. We can call him Kevin. I'm not sure now if I actually liked him, or I liked the fact that he paid attention to me. In any case, part of our dating agreement was that we keep it quiet. Yeah. Stupid huh? At the time though, Kevin was paying attention to me so I was more than willing to keep my mouth shut. Of course I told my closest friends and luckily I could trust them. I laugh now thinking about this pettiness, but at the time it was pretty damn important. I know now why he wanted to keep it a secret but then I was just happy to have him around.
If anyone knows what the art tables looked like back then at Small Town Central, you'll understand completely about the next part of this story. I was sitting at one of the tables and someone in class said "Hey, Maxine- look", so I went to their table and took a peek. There, in plain sight, plain as day, was "Max is fat" in black marker amongst the other, less obvious graffiti. Of course I wanted to cry but I wasn't going to do it. Not in front of these people. I'm not going to let these people see that these things hurt. I'm above that. I'm more than that. Instead, I set to figuring out who wrote it.
In Small Town, if you don't change your underwear for a day, EVERYONE knows it so I figured this would be a piece of cake. It was. Or at least I got an answer. I never did figure out if it was the correct one. I was told by someone, who was told by someone else, who of course, over heard it in the local restraint (ok, it wasn’t that bad, but you can’t blame me for a little dramatic effect!) It was THAT guy, you know, the one who I was secretly dating, Kevin. Yeah- that's what everyone told me so it MUST have been true. When confronted, he denied, denied, denied. I don't think I completely believed him but it really didn't matter. That was the end of that "relationship". Would you believe it though? I did not break up with him. He totally dumped me a few days later. Even after possibly being the one who degraded me on an art room table, I still felt it was more important to feel accepted and “date” someone than it was to protect my dignity. It's so strange to be a teenager. Funny thing was, I didn’t talk to him for the rest of our high school years until we were seniors. That's a hard thing to do in Small Town.
It was shortly after that when I got into my first fight, well sort of. Kevin seemed to move on fairly quickly, or so I had heard. I was in shop class one day (I hated that class so much!) and the one girl in my class Brianna (name change! Ha!) decided to fill me in on her "escapades" with Kevin in the grandstands by the baseball field. Oh yeah. I was pissed. It was typical girl drama now that I look back, but then....it was so much more than drama! So Brianna fills me in on this supposed make-out fest with Kevin and my blood got boiling. I finally blurted out something to effect of "he's only doing it cuz you're a whore". Now keep in mind, this was not at all like me. I normally talked behind someone's back, not to their face! The horror! Anyhow, she immediately pushed back her chair and stepped to me. I got up and stepped to her. I know my mind was racing...do I hit her? Shit, I'm going to be grounded at home if I do. In a split second I raised my fist, reeled back and.....wham, she kicked me in the crotch. In another split second I became painfully aware that if I hit her in the face I may actually do damage so I went straight for her....shoulder. Damn that hurt. She was bony as hell and looked anorexic! Mr. Cleaver (if you went to Small Town Central, you know who I mean!) sent us out of there and we both got put on the list. Some fight huh? I had to think about why the whole thing even bothered me. I know now what it was. It was that Kevin had broken up with me (who wasn't perfect but...) to go get all kissy faced with this girl, who was skinny (definitely not perfect either) but she was skinny! I surely wasn't.
The rest of high school was a blur in so many ways. I probably gained another 20 lbs this year. I couldn’t even tell you for sure what I weighed. I do know that when I graduated in 1995 I was somewhere around 160 lbs. That’s an estimate. So in grades 9 and 10 figure around 120-140 lbs. Over the course of a year, 20 pounds isn't seen right away. I would like to say (and many people did) that it was muscle building due to sports and that incredible walk from school to home. My mom always told me, "Muscle weighs more than fat". She was right...but I don't really think I had a lot of muscle going on. Whatever.
Anyhow, that year I decided out of the blue to play volleyball. I knew absolutely NOTHING about the sport but again, I wanted to be accepted and the girls in my class who were popular (and may I add very good at volleyball!) were on the team and I figured- what the hell- I can do this. I sucked, but it was worth it. I learned a lot about myself that season. Although I made very good friends with the bench, (I had secretly named it Billy) I truly enjoyed the sport. Volleyball made me feel better but you know what? It didn't make me more popular. It didn't help me get in with that crowd any better. On my walk home every day I would stop at the store downtown and buy a Crystal Pepsi (they didn't make those for very long). Do you know how much sugar I was putting in my body every day? I didn't then, but I do now! Ugh!
Once volleyball season was over, I went right into cheerleading. I was still a good base and I was still enjoying it so there was no reason to give it up. Besides, even with gaining weight, I was still looking okay. I was busy all of the time so I didn't have time to eat much. Apparently this wasn't good either but I didn't know that then. What was even better is that I was making friends outside of the normal group. All was good. I couldn't complain. Then....FISHY. Yes, you read that right. FISHY. Yeah, sounds weird but I remember it well.
I was getting my books for my next class when I opened my locker and there, on my little locker mirror, in blue permanent marker, was the word FISHY. I was shocked. I had no idea what this meant. I had no idea why it was there. I was completely confused. If we had texting, a WTF would be called for right then! I honestly had to ask a few people what the heck it meant. Finally, someone enlightened me. If you were fishy, you smelled, and it wasn't under the arms if you know what I mean. WHAT??? Are you kidding me? Hell no. Not me! Why would someone do that?
I figured it out later. One of my friends, who was apparently mad at me for something else had conspired with another girl to do it. She later told me they just couldn't think of anything else to write. (Like Fat Ass didn't cross their minds??? Come on!) So, no, I didn't smell like fish but I realized then that it didn't matter if I was fat or not...people were going to find something to hurt your feelings with, no matter what. In fact, it became painfully obvious that it didn't matter if I was chunky or not. People were going to pick on me for something no matter what I did or didn't do. Go figure.
Remember back in 8th grade when I had that first boyfriend? Well there was a part I left out, intentionally. It was through that boyfriend back then that I met someone (his best friend at the time) that I ended up becoming very close to through my high school years. (Let's call him Jake) Although it wasn't obvious in school (no one asked to keep this quiet, it just worked out that way) we hung out on and off outside of school. It went in streaks. We would watch Bills games together (this was when they were actually good!) and then not talk for a while. We would just chill on a nice night but then act like we hardly knew each other in school. It just was that way. Strange. So why do I tell you this? He ended up being a big part of my life later on. Beyond that though, and I never thought about this then, he was the first person I dated that did not judge me for my weight, size, looks or anything for that matter. He didn't try to take advantage of the fact that I had low self esteem and exploit it in some stupid way.
At one point in 9th grade I started "dating" a classmate. We can call him Kevin. I'm not sure now if I actually liked him, or I liked the fact that he paid attention to me. In any case, part of our dating agreement was that we keep it quiet. Yeah. Stupid huh? At the time though, Kevin was paying attention to me so I was more than willing to keep my mouth shut. Of course I told my closest friends and luckily I could trust them. I laugh now thinking about this pettiness, but at the time it was pretty damn important. I know now why he wanted to keep it a secret but then I was just happy to have him around.
If anyone knows what the art tables looked like back then at Small Town Central, you'll understand completely about the next part of this story. I was sitting at one of the tables and someone in class said "Hey, Maxine- look", so I went to their table and took a peek. There, in plain sight, plain as day, was "Max is fat" in black marker amongst the other, less obvious graffiti. Of course I wanted to cry but I wasn't going to do it. Not in front of these people. I'm not going to let these people see that these things hurt. I'm above that. I'm more than that. Instead, I set to figuring out who wrote it.
In Small Town, if you don't change your underwear for a day, EVERYONE knows it so I figured this would be a piece of cake. It was. Or at least I got an answer. I never did figure out if it was the correct one. I was told by someone, who was told by someone else, who of course, over heard it in the local restraint (ok, it wasn’t that bad, but you can’t blame me for a little dramatic effect!) It was THAT guy, you know, the one who I was secretly dating, Kevin. Yeah- that's what everyone told me so it MUST have been true. When confronted, he denied, denied, denied. I don't think I completely believed him but it really didn't matter. That was the end of that "relationship". Would you believe it though? I did not break up with him. He totally dumped me a few days later. Even after possibly being the one who degraded me on an art room table, I still felt it was more important to feel accepted and “date” someone than it was to protect my dignity. It's so strange to be a teenager. Funny thing was, I didn’t talk to him for the rest of our high school years until we were seniors. That's a hard thing to do in Small Town.
It was shortly after that when I got into my first fight, well sort of. Kevin seemed to move on fairly quickly, or so I had heard. I was in shop class one day (I hated that class so much!) and the one girl in my class Brianna (name change! Ha!) decided to fill me in on her "escapades" with Kevin in the grandstands by the baseball field. Oh yeah. I was pissed. It was typical girl drama now that I look back, but then....it was so much more than drama! So Brianna fills me in on this supposed make-out fest with Kevin and my blood got boiling. I finally blurted out something to effect of "he's only doing it cuz you're a whore". Now keep in mind, this was not at all like me. I normally talked behind someone's back, not to their face! The horror! Anyhow, she immediately pushed back her chair and stepped to me. I got up and stepped to her. I know my mind was racing...do I hit her? Shit, I'm going to be grounded at home if I do. In a split second I raised my fist, reeled back and.....wham, she kicked me in the crotch. In another split second I became painfully aware that if I hit her in the face I may actually do damage so I went straight for her....shoulder. Damn that hurt. She was bony as hell and looked anorexic! Mr. Cleaver (if you went to Small Town Central, you know who I mean!) sent us out of there and we both got put on the list. Some fight huh? I had to think about why the whole thing even bothered me. I know now what it was. It was that Kevin had broken up with me (who wasn't perfect but...) to go get all kissy faced with this girl, who was skinny (definitely not perfect either) but she was skinny! I surely wasn't.
The rest of high school was a blur in so many ways. I probably gained another 20 lbs this year. I couldn’t even tell you for sure what I weighed. I do know that when I graduated in 1995 I was somewhere around 160 lbs. That’s an estimate. So in grades 9 and 10 figure around 120-140 lbs. Over the course of a year, 20 pounds isn't seen right away. I would like to say (and many people did) that it was muscle building due to sports and that incredible walk from school to home. My mom always told me, "Muscle weighs more than fat". She was right...but I don't really think I had a lot of muscle going on. Whatever.
Anyhow, that year I decided out of the blue to play volleyball. I knew absolutely NOTHING about the sport but again, I wanted to be accepted and the girls in my class who were popular (and may I add very good at volleyball!) were on the team and I figured- what the hell- I can do this. I sucked, but it was worth it. I learned a lot about myself that season. Although I made very good friends with the bench, (I had secretly named it Billy) I truly enjoyed the sport. Volleyball made me feel better but you know what? It didn't make me more popular. It didn't help me get in with that crowd any better. On my walk home every day I would stop at the store downtown and buy a Crystal Pepsi (they didn't make those for very long). Do you know how much sugar I was putting in my body every day? I didn't then, but I do now! Ugh!
Once volleyball season was over, I went right into cheerleading. I was still a good base and I was still enjoying it so there was no reason to give it up. Besides, even with gaining weight, I was still looking okay. I was busy all of the time so I didn't have time to eat much. Apparently this wasn't good either but I didn't know that then. What was even better is that I was making friends outside of the normal group. All was good. I couldn't complain. Then....FISHY. Yes, you read that right. FISHY. Yeah, sounds weird but I remember it well.
I was getting my books for my next class when I opened my locker and there, on my little locker mirror, in blue permanent marker, was the word FISHY. I was shocked. I had no idea what this meant. I had no idea why it was there. I was completely confused. If we had texting, a WTF would be called for right then! I honestly had to ask a few people what the heck it meant. Finally, someone enlightened me. If you were fishy, you smelled, and it wasn't under the arms if you know what I mean. WHAT??? Are you kidding me? Hell no. Not me! Why would someone do that?
I figured it out later. One of my friends, who was apparently mad at me for something else had conspired with another girl to do it. She later told me they just couldn't think of anything else to write. (Like Fat Ass didn't cross their minds??? Come on!) So, no, I didn't smell like fish but I realized then that it didn't matter if I was fat or not...people were going to find something to hurt your feelings with, no matter what. In fact, it became painfully obvious that it didn't matter if I was chunky or not. People were going to pick on me for something no matter what I did or didn't do. Go figure.
Remember back in 8th grade when I had that first boyfriend? Well there was a part I left out, intentionally. It was through that boyfriend back then that I met someone (his best friend at the time) that I ended up becoming very close to through my high school years. (Let's call him Jake) Although it wasn't obvious in school (no one asked to keep this quiet, it just worked out that way) we hung out on and off outside of school. It went in streaks. We would watch Bills games together (this was when they were actually good!) and then not talk for a while. We would just chill on a nice night but then act like we hardly knew each other in school. It just was that way. Strange. So why do I tell you this? He ended up being a big part of my life later on. Beyond that though, and I never thought about this then, he was the first person I dated that did not judge me for my weight, size, looks or anything for that matter. He didn't try to take advantage of the fact that I had low self esteem and exploit it in some stupid way.
Chapter 4- High School Part 1
When people move and switch schools, they often go into a whole new situation without knowing a soul. I was lucky. I knew some people when I moved. I had a year to meet and greet and get to know people before I even started school there. The first day I walked into Small Town Central, it didn't make a difference- I was still the new girl. Luckily the 9th grade class had another new person at the same time so a lot of the attention was off me. I must not have liked it that way because as soon as I could, I started finding ways to get attention, but that's for another blog...one that I won't make public for sure!
In case you've never moved from Suburbia to Small Town, let me fill you in on some differences. In Suburbia, you are lost among the many others. Yes, I got picked on, as you have already read but on a large scale, (no pun intended), there were so many other people to choose from. I got lost in the mix. Basically what made you "popular" one day would fizzle out the next because the focus would change to someone else. In Small Town what you did one day lasted in peoples minds for a lifetime. There's no one else to choose from. As they say, "Pickins are slim". In Suburbia I had an 8th grade class of about 240; in 9th grade at Small Town Central my class size was about 40. Yep, big difference. In Suburbia, Middle and High School put together boasted about 1500 kids (that didn't include the 2 elementary schools each with about 750 students each). In Small Town- K-12 was in one building and totaled about 500 kids.
In Small Town, everyone knows your name, kinda like Cheers. In Suburbia, only your clique or friend group knows you and truthfully, they're the only ones that give a damn. In Small Town you rarely have to try out for teams whereas in Suburbia, trying out for sports is a regular ritual known only to the jocks because they intimidate others into not bothering. In Small Town, at least in 1991-1995 you were seperated by your goal for a diploma. Seriously, there were the Regents kids and the Non-Regents kids. Sad but true. In Suburbia you were split by your social group only. Jocks, Preps, Losers, Geeks, Loners, Trouble-Makers...just to name a few. I went from a Loser/Geek in Suburbia to a Regents kid in Small Town. I was pretty sure this was an upgrade at the time. Still not sure what it was to be honest.
Now don't get me wrong. I was a good student. I tried hard and did okay. I certainly wasn't the smartest in my class but I made it through. Socially, I tried to make friends and get along with people, no matter who they were or what they looked like. Honestly though, as a teenager, that is tough. I did make some pretty good friends that year. That was the year I met my future husband, I just didn't know it and sure wouldn't have believed it then had you told me. Above all, I did what normal teens do to drive their parents crazy. I don't think I went all rebel or anything. My parents were pretty trusting of me until I screwed it up, which I did without much effort. I just found little ways to get attention-unfortunately the wrong kind- but I didn't know that then. I think that subconsciously I was looking for other ways to get people to pay attention to me for something besides my size. It worked, well...sort of.
Until now, I've mentioned next to nothing about my family. Well here's where my sister played a role in my adolescent years. For those of you who don't know, she's 4years younger and for those of you who don't know her, we'll call her Marsha. What sucks more than being overweight during the teen years? Being overweight and having a gorgeous younger sister! Yep, it's true. Marsha was always noticed for her good looks, her body and sometimes her personality. People looked at her as a snob, stuck up and/or a rich bitch but the truth was, she wasn't. She was just clear on who she was and what she would and would not tolerate. I wish I had half of that characteristic then. Was I jealous of Marsha...yep. I can't deny it. Who wouldn't be?
I think the most memorable (and notably disgusting) point in my freshman year was when the guys in my class (all 14-15 years old) noticed Marsha, who was in all of 5th grade at the time. They had the balls to tell me "When she's older, we're gonna F*** her." Yeah. I wish I could tell you that it didn't bother me, but it did. What's most shameful though is that it didn't bother me in the "Don't touch my little sister or I'll kick your ass" way. I was actually jealous that they would notice her in that way. Not that I wanted to sleep with any one of them in particular but the idea that they would notice her over me really hurt. For the record, when she was older and I told her that, she laughed. Her comment was something to the effect of "Not on your life", but I'm positive there were other words in there.
So I bet you're wondering what else I did for attention. Well, sorry, not going to tell you all of the juicy details. What I can tell you is that I continued to look for ways to be noticed, sometimes by an individual, sometimes by a group. I even joined ski club, just so I could hang out with a guy that I had a crush on. Kyle (yes name change) and I had spent some time hanging out as friends but that was it. I was into him and as usual, he wasn't into me but I wasn't going to give up! No siree! I begged my parents to buy a ski package and let me join up. Little did they know it was all so I could be around Kyle. So, I started skiing. If you've never been, it's a hell of a workout. I spent every Sunday night that winter skiing my brains out (on the bunny slopes) and every Monday walking like I had a corn cob stuck up my ass because every muscle was sore beyond belief. Funny thing was...Kyle was a far more advanced skiier than I was and I never once saw him the whole night I skiied. Plan backfired. I still skiied because I was too afraid to tell my parents that I didn't want to. As it turned out though, I ended up sticking with it all the way through high school. (I'm probably the current queen of the bunny slopes though!)
It was in 9th grade that I discovered cheerleading. Yeah, I bet you're like...oh shit- big girl jumping around...watch out! Don't worry, so was I. The skinny girls cheered and inside my head, I wanted to be a skinny girl. Who am I kidding? I wanted to be a skinny girl on the outside too. In any case, one of the girls in my class talked me into it and I figured why not. Believe it or not, this could have been a turning point for me, IF I had used it properly. I ended up on the JV squad which looking back now, was a joke. At the time though, we were proud of everything we did, and we had reason to be. We worked our asses off (some of us literally!) to make something decent out of our squad. I wish I could tell you I was a flyer-the girl on the top of the pyramid-but I wasn't. (Thank goodness-I'm afraid of heights!) I made a hell of a base though. I was actually looking fairly fit at that point. I was still bigger but I was getting in shape. Whoever said Cheerleading wasn't a sport is full of it! I gained a lot of muscle during cheer season. Granted it was from walking up and down our incredibly long driveway to get to practice, but muscle is muscle and muscle must grow! I wonder if I negated that muscle when I got home and ate potato chips and had a soda???
Somewhere near the spring of freshman year I got caught. My mom went through my jewelery box and found them. The little oval shaped pills that I thought would help me look like those skinny girls. Diet pills. Our world today is full of them. It's a multi-billion dollar industry. Back in 1992, they were just becoming more popular. I couldn't even tell you how I got my hands on them. Good ol' Dexatrim. "Suppresses your appetite so you don't eat as much". Yeah, right. Boy did I get in trouble for that. I honestly didn't understand why. I mean, it was my life. I could do what I wanted to, right? My mom didn't know what she was talking about. If I wanted to take them, I could because it was MY body. She was just being over protective. Yeah. I thought all of those things then but I was a teenager. I owned the world! The truth was, I hadn't taken even ONE of those little pills. They were sitting in my jewelery box because I thought I needed them but was too afraid to put them in my mouth. Maybe I thought they would be addictive. Maybe I was afraid of what side effects they would have. I don't know. I honestly don't. What I do know it that wasn't the only time in my life I resorted to pills to try to solve my weight problem.
In case you've never moved from Suburbia to Small Town, let me fill you in on some differences. In Suburbia, you are lost among the many others. Yes, I got picked on, as you have already read but on a large scale, (no pun intended), there were so many other people to choose from. I got lost in the mix. Basically what made you "popular" one day would fizzle out the next because the focus would change to someone else. In Small Town what you did one day lasted in peoples minds for a lifetime. There's no one else to choose from. As they say, "Pickins are slim". In Suburbia I had an 8th grade class of about 240; in 9th grade at Small Town Central my class size was about 40. Yep, big difference. In Suburbia, Middle and High School put together boasted about 1500 kids (that didn't include the 2 elementary schools each with about 750 students each). In Small Town- K-12 was in one building and totaled about 500 kids.
In Small Town, everyone knows your name, kinda like Cheers. In Suburbia, only your clique or friend group knows you and truthfully, they're the only ones that give a damn. In Small Town you rarely have to try out for teams whereas in Suburbia, trying out for sports is a regular ritual known only to the jocks because they intimidate others into not bothering. In Small Town, at least in 1991-1995 you were seperated by your goal for a diploma. Seriously, there were the Regents kids and the Non-Regents kids. Sad but true. In Suburbia you were split by your social group only. Jocks, Preps, Losers, Geeks, Loners, Trouble-Makers...just to name a few. I went from a Loser/Geek in Suburbia to a Regents kid in Small Town. I was pretty sure this was an upgrade at the time. Still not sure what it was to be honest.
Now don't get me wrong. I was a good student. I tried hard and did okay. I certainly wasn't the smartest in my class but I made it through. Socially, I tried to make friends and get along with people, no matter who they were or what they looked like. Honestly though, as a teenager, that is tough. I did make some pretty good friends that year. That was the year I met my future husband, I just didn't know it and sure wouldn't have believed it then had you told me. Above all, I did what normal teens do to drive their parents crazy. I don't think I went all rebel or anything. My parents were pretty trusting of me until I screwed it up, which I did without much effort. I just found little ways to get attention-unfortunately the wrong kind- but I didn't know that then. I think that subconsciously I was looking for other ways to get people to pay attention to me for something besides my size. It worked, well...sort of.
Until now, I've mentioned next to nothing about my family. Well here's where my sister played a role in my adolescent years. For those of you who don't know, she's 4years younger and for those of you who don't know her, we'll call her Marsha. What sucks more than being overweight during the teen years? Being overweight and having a gorgeous younger sister! Yep, it's true. Marsha was always noticed for her good looks, her body and sometimes her personality. People looked at her as a snob, stuck up and/or a rich bitch but the truth was, she wasn't. She was just clear on who she was and what she would and would not tolerate. I wish I had half of that characteristic then. Was I jealous of Marsha...yep. I can't deny it. Who wouldn't be?
I think the most memorable (and notably disgusting) point in my freshman year was when the guys in my class (all 14-15 years old) noticed Marsha, who was in all of 5th grade at the time. They had the balls to tell me "When she's older, we're gonna F*** her." Yeah. I wish I could tell you that it didn't bother me, but it did. What's most shameful though is that it didn't bother me in the "Don't touch my little sister or I'll kick your ass" way. I was actually jealous that they would notice her in that way. Not that I wanted to sleep with any one of them in particular but the idea that they would notice her over me really hurt. For the record, when she was older and I told her that, she laughed. Her comment was something to the effect of "Not on your life", but I'm positive there were other words in there.
So I bet you're wondering what else I did for attention. Well, sorry, not going to tell you all of the juicy details. What I can tell you is that I continued to look for ways to be noticed, sometimes by an individual, sometimes by a group. I even joined ski club, just so I could hang out with a guy that I had a crush on. Kyle (yes name change) and I had spent some time hanging out as friends but that was it. I was into him and as usual, he wasn't into me but I wasn't going to give up! No siree! I begged my parents to buy a ski package and let me join up. Little did they know it was all so I could be around Kyle. So, I started skiing. If you've never been, it's a hell of a workout. I spent every Sunday night that winter skiing my brains out (on the bunny slopes) and every Monday walking like I had a corn cob stuck up my ass because every muscle was sore beyond belief. Funny thing was...Kyle was a far more advanced skiier than I was and I never once saw him the whole night I skiied. Plan backfired. I still skiied because I was too afraid to tell my parents that I didn't want to. As it turned out though, I ended up sticking with it all the way through high school. (I'm probably the current queen of the bunny slopes though!)
It was in 9th grade that I discovered cheerleading. Yeah, I bet you're like...oh shit- big girl jumping around...watch out! Don't worry, so was I. The skinny girls cheered and inside my head, I wanted to be a skinny girl. Who am I kidding? I wanted to be a skinny girl on the outside too. In any case, one of the girls in my class talked me into it and I figured why not. Believe it or not, this could have been a turning point for me, IF I had used it properly. I ended up on the JV squad which looking back now, was a joke. At the time though, we were proud of everything we did, and we had reason to be. We worked our asses off (some of us literally!) to make something decent out of our squad. I wish I could tell you I was a flyer-the girl on the top of the pyramid-but I wasn't. (Thank goodness-I'm afraid of heights!) I made a hell of a base though. I was actually looking fairly fit at that point. I was still bigger but I was getting in shape. Whoever said Cheerleading wasn't a sport is full of it! I gained a lot of muscle during cheer season. Granted it was from walking up and down our incredibly long driveway to get to practice, but muscle is muscle and muscle must grow! I wonder if I negated that muscle when I got home and ate potato chips and had a soda???
Somewhere near the spring of freshman year I got caught. My mom went through my jewelery box and found them. The little oval shaped pills that I thought would help me look like those skinny girls. Diet pills. Our world today is full of them. It's a multi-billion dollar industry. Back in 1992, they were just becoming more popular. I couldn't even tell you how I got my hands on them. Good ol' Dexatrim. "Suppresses your appetite so you don't eat as much". Yeah, right. Boy did I get in trouble for that. I honestly didn't understand why. I mean, it was my life. I could do what I wanted to, right? My mom didn't know what she was talking about. If I wanted to take them, I could because it was MY body. She was just being over protective. Yeah. I thought all of those things then but I was a teenager. I owned the world! The truth was, I hadn't taken even ONE of those little pills. They were sitting in my jewelery box because I thought I needed them but was too afraid to put them in my mouth. Maybe I thought they would be addictive. Maybe I was afraid of what side effects they would have. I don't know. I honestly don't. What I do know it that wasn't the only time in my life I resorted to pills to try to solve my weight problem.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Chapter 3- Middle School
Before I get into the whole Middle School experience, I forgot to mention one very important thing that happened in 4th grade. As I mentioned, I was heavy but the one thing I was good at and did despite my weight was swim. My parents had the bright idea of getting me on a swim team (I secretly thank them over and over now!) where we went to meets and competed. I wish I could say I did an awesome job and came in 1st all of the time but that's not true. I won a black ribbon (12th place) for the 50 yard backstroke. That was it. The real story is in the fundraising event we did. The club held a Swim-a-thon and swimmers took pledges from people based on how many lengths of the pool a swimmer would swim. My parents and grandparents all donated like $7.00 a length or something like that. I remember it being a good amount. Other kids were getting .25 to $1.00 a length. The coach thought it was odd but the truth was, my family (and me too!) figured I could only swim a few lengths and I would be done. I could swim, but my size and weight kept me from being able to do a lot. They knew it and I knew it. I think I screwed everyone up that day. I swam a total of 84 lengths of the pool non-stop. I kicked ass. The club didn't make my sponsors pay their full amounts because if you do the math...that was a lot of money. I sure ended up raising the most money though! It's that experience that drives me today. But we'll get more into today in later chapters.
I think anyone can agree, middle school is a bitch. Pubescent kids running around thinking they're all top dog. Many kids are starting to find out who they are, and many are still searching to be someone. I, on the other hand, wasn't sure of anything. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I knew who my friends were and I had some good ones. I was lucky. I surely wasn't popular but at least I had others around me to help make the "loser" feeling a little less obvious.
Sixth grade: This was the first year that we started switching classes. I can remember sitting next to this dorky kid in homeroom and wondering if I could even talk to him. (Just a note, he's not dorky anymore AND for the record, I was even dorkier!). I was shy. I don't think I had come out of my shell yet. I certainly had a large enough shell to break through too! It was like coming out of a friggen ostrich shell, 6 feet thick! Even in 6th grade, I was still larger than the other kids, although I don't know if I would have called myself obese. Hefty...yes. (See...told you there were other words for it.) I'll have to find the picture I have of the first day of homeroom. My hairdo was hilarious! I thought it was cool at the time though.
Probably the worst part of 6th grade (and most of the other grades) was the dreaded gym class. We had to start changing into gym clothes. I never understood this ritual until I, myself, started teaching. Kids stink! Now it's very clear why we had to wear (stinky) gym clothes instead of our school clothes. In any case, the worst part of any gym day: changing in the locker room. You probably guessed it. I avoided it like the plague. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times I "forgot" my clothes. (Secretly there were clothes in my locker-like hell I was going to change into them in front of all of the other girls who were like skinny as hell, didn't have to wear bras and were basically feeling good about themselves, or so I thought). Ironically, I was avoiding doing physical activity because I was ashamed of my body BUT the kicker was that doing physical activity may have actually helped my body! I didn't see it that way then but now it's all so clear. Isn't it funny what 20 years can do to you?
Back then (1987-1988) the punishment for not bringing your gym clothes was to write "I will not forget my gym clothes" over and over and over and over....until the end of the class. I normally got about 20 done and then goofed off with the other "forgetters" and "sicklies". Needless to say, I didn't have good gym grades. Even worse, I was just gaining weight. Did I care? Nope. Didn't even realize it. One day, I decided to get smart and instead of writing the infamous sentence, I drew a picture and put under it "A picture is worth a thousand words". That didn't go over well.
Grade 7: I had low self esteem and didn't even know it. I was pretty shy to start and now I know it had to do with the way I looked. Now, before I go on, I want to digress a bit. If you were the person in my shoes (less than good looking, dorky or something of the sort) you went through what I did- you may have been ridiculed, picked on, bullied etc. You remember things a certain way and you know how much that behavior hurt you. If you were on the other side (you did the picking, ridiculing, bullying) you tend to forget the things you said to those like me. I don't know why but we remember and you don't. I'm hear to tell you first hand that it sucks being on my side. It was horrible to hear people call you fat or geek or anything else for that matter. You have no idea what that feels like until it's done to you. I'm not going to claim that it was so bad that I had any drastic thoughts like suicide or anything but trust me when I say that your words hurt more than getting hit in the face with basketball.
It was in 7th grade that I had my first true crush. Yep, it's the one you remember forever. I don't know why now...but for some reason, I really had it bad for this guy. He was in our friend group but didn't even notice me, other than as a friend. Why would you? I was dorky and pushing overweight. I still stalked him quietly as most 7th grade girls do. I was far too shy to say anything to him about liking him and sometimes I couldn't even bring myself to talk to him. I never said anything to him and I was careful with friends and what they said. I'm sure I did the whole "Ask Sam who he likes" or "Ask Sam if he's going out with anyone". I was just too shy and had such low self esteem that I wasn't going to say anything to him directly, no matter what.
One day though, out of the blue, that ostrich shell cracked. There was a big hole in it all of a sudden. I just decided to ask him out. (Yeah, I'm well aware that dating in 7th grade is a farce...but I didn't know that then!). I did it. I asked him out. Well, after a day worth of waiting, less than patiently for the answer I was really hoping I would get...I got shot down. I can remember being devastated. I came out of this really thick shell and attempted to express myself and BANG! Nothing. It took about 5 days to get over the initial shock and I moved on to liking someone else. Isn't that how it always goes? All was good until a friend told me why he said "no". Apparently I was too fat (at least he had the balls to use the word that I never could!) and he didn't like my hair. Devastation....again.
Eighth grade: I hesitate to go into 8th grade honestly as so many of my actions were to gain attention and definitely less than appropriate to share with everyone. I'm pretty sure I could still get grounded for some of it, even this many years later. Suffice it to say...it was a different year. Other than having a "real" boyfriend, my first "real" kiss, preparing to move to small town, New York and a whole slew of other less than proud moments, the most memorable thing of 8th grade was my friend Missy (name change!). We rode the bus together and we had been friends since about 2nd grade, give or take. She was heavy too but despite her weight, she had an absolutely beautiful face, skin that tanned like no other and the main thing that I didn't have- she had a smaller bone structure so even though she was heavy, she had the smallest ankles and wrists. (Can we say JEAL---OUS?) One day Missy and I were on the bus and she was comparing her wrists to mine. Why...who knows. Anyhow, she made it painfully clear that you could see the bump on her wrist (the one on the outside of your arm) and mine you couldn't see. I was quickly dubbed as having no wrists. Yep, that sure pissed me off and above all else, hurt my feelings. I've never forgot it and I've often looked at my wrists thinking about the conversation that day. I know it seems stupid but this fat girl remembers those things.
Over time I just accepted the fact that my wrists weren't obvious and even hidden behind thick skin but it didn't push me to do anything about it. At least not then. Meanwhile, I was still gaining weight as I had been throughout middle school. I would venture to say about 20 lbs. a year. My mom even tried to help me do something about it by signing me up for Nutrisystem. Back then it was even more expensive than it is now. I applaud her efforts (now that I'm looking back) but I didn't truly appreciate it at the time. In a total of $600 spent on food, I lost 5 lbs. She thought I was cheating the diet when I would go to Fantasy Island with my friends. Truth was...I didn't. I always drank water (or their special orange drink) from this big bottle I had. I spent my money on games but never on food. I just didn't lose any weight. Needless to say, mom cut that out after realizing I was getting nowhere. Can't blame her.
It may have been sometime after that when I started hoarding food, or at least that's what she called it. I thought I was just saving it for later. Know how you get all of that awesome candy at Halloween or Easter? Well I would sneak some and put it in my desk drawer in my room. Unfortunately I had a mother that was smarter than me (although I would NEVER admit that then!) and she would find it. I would get yelled at, and sorry mom, it's true, but called a few not so nice names. They stung but not enough for me to do anything about it. I think I just accepted me for who I was at this point. I tried to put the facade on that I didn't care what anyone else thought. Truth was, I cared, and I cared deeply. Those things hurt and they obviously stuck with me, if I'm able to tell about them today. I cried everytime the words "fat" or "lazy" were used to describe me. Truth hurts.
Eighth grade also introduced me into the world of dating. Now those of you who already know the WHO of my first dating experience...please don't hold that against me. Those of you who don't...well, again, name changes are important for a reason. Rob was from small town, NY where we were moving to at the end of my 8th grade year. I had met him on our weekend visits down there. He was a bit older, which of course was a status thing for me. I was barely a teenager and I had a 16 year old boyfriend. Awesome. I "dated" him for close to a year. It wasn't until he was sure we were moving down there that he finally broke up with me. I took it hard, as any teenie bopper would. I tried over and over to change his mind and it didn't work. I found out later...he dumped me because he didn't want people to see us together now that we would be in the same school. Sad, but very true. In the meantime though, while we were dating, I made choices that, looking back, defined who I was going to be for my high school years. Without going into details, I gained a fake self confidence that made me seem like I felt good about myself but no one knew what I truly felt on the inside. I didn't tell anyone because that wasn't cool. I hid it as well as I could. I couldn't hide that I was chunky. People could see that for sure. I guess I felt that if I acted a certain way, they wouldn't notice my outside appearance. Wishful thinking...
I think anyone can agree, middle school is a bitch. Pubescent kids running around thinking they're all top dog. Many kids are starting to find out who they are, and many are still searching to be someone. I, on the other hand, wasn't sure of anything. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I knew who my friends were and I had some good ones. I was lucky. I surely wasn't popular but at least I had others around me to help make the "loser" feeling a little less obvious.
Sixth grade: This was the first year that we started switching classes. I can remember sitting next to this dorky kid in homeroom and wondering if I could even talk to him. (Just a note, he's not dorky anymore AND for the record, I was even dorkier!). I was shy. I don't think I had come out of my shell yet. I certainly had a large enough shell to break through too! It was like coming out of a friggen ostrich shell, 6 feet thick! Even in 6th grade, I was still larger than the other kids, although I don't know if I would have called myself obese. Hefty...yes. (See...told you there were other words for it.) I'll have to find the picture I have of the first day of homeroom. My hairdo was hilarious! I thought it was cool at the time though.
Probably the worst part of 6th grade (and most of the other grades) was the dreaded gym class. We had to start changing into gym clothes. I never understood this ritual until I, myself, started teaching. Kids stink! Now it's very clear why we had to wear (stinky) gym clothes instead of our school clothes. In any case, the worst part of any gym day: changing in the locker room. You probably guessed it. I avoided it like the plague. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times I "forgot" my clothes. (Secretly there were clothes in my locker-like hell I was going to change into them in front of all of the other girls who were like skinny as hell, didn't have to wear bras and were basically feeling good about themselves, or so I thought). Ironically, I was avoiding doing physical activity because I was ashamed of my body BUT the kicker was that doing physical activity may have actually helped my body! I didn't see it that way then but now it's all so clear. Isn't it funny what 20 years can do to you?
Back then (1987-1988) the punishment for not bringing your gym clothes was to write "I will not forget my gym clothes" over and over and over and over....until the end of the class. I normally got about 20 done and then goofed off with the other "forgetters" and "sicklies". Needless to say, I didn't have good gym grades. Even worse, I was just gaining weight. Did I care? Nope. Didn't even realize it. One day, I decided to get smart and instead of writing the infamous sentence, I drew a picture and put under it "A picture is worth a thousand words". That didn't go over well.
Grade 7: I had low self esteem and didn't even know it. I was pretty shy to start and now I know it had to do with the way I looked. Now, before I go on, I want to digress a bit. If you were the person in my shoes (less than good looking, dorky or something of the sort) you went through what I did- you may have been ridiculed, picked on, bullied etc. You remember things a certain way and you know how much that behavior hurt you. If you were on the other side (you did the picking, ridiculing, bullying) you tend to forget the things you said to those like me. I don't know why but we remember and you don't. I'm hear to tell you first hand that it sucks being on my side. It was horrible to hear people call you fat or geek or anything else for that matter. You have no idea what that feels like until it's done to you. I'm not going to claim that it was so bad that I had any drastic thoughts like suicide or anything but trust me when I say that your words hurt more than getting hit in the face with basketball.
It was in 7th grade that I had my first true crush. Yep, it's the one you remember forever. I don't know why now...but for some reason, I really had it bad for this guy. He was in our friend group but didn't even notice me, other than as a friend. Why would you? I was dorky and pushing overweight. I still stalked him quietly as most 7th grade girls do. I was far too shy to say anything to him about liking him and sometimes I couldn't even bring myself to talk to him. I never said anything to him and I was careful with friends and what they said. I'm sure I did the whole "Ask Sam who he likes" or "Ask Sam if he's going out with anyone". I was just too shy and had such low self esteem that I wasn't going to say anything to him directly, no matter what.
One day though, out of the blue, that ostrich shell cracked. There was a big hole in it all of a sudden. I just decided to ask him out. (Yeah, I'm well aware that dating in 7th grade is a farce...but I didn't know that then!). I did it. I asked him out. Well, after a day worth of waiting, less than patiently for the answer I was really hoping I would get...I got shot down. I can remember being devastated. I came out of this really thick shell and attempted to express myself and BANG! Nothing. It took about 5 days to get over the initial shock and I moved on to liking someone else. Isn't that how it always goes? All was good until a friend told me why he said "no". Apparently I was too fat (at least he had the balls to use the word that I never could!) and he didn't like my hair. Devastation....again.
Eighth grade: I hesitate to go into 8th grade honestly as so many of my actions were to gain attention and definitely less than appropriate to share with everyone. I'm pretty sure I could still get grounded for some of it, even this many years later. Suffice it to say...it was a different year. Other than having a "real" boyfriend, my first "real" kiss, preparing to move to small town, New York and a whole slew of other less than proud moments, the most memorable thing of 8th grade was my friend Missy (name change!). We rode the bus together and we had been friends since about 2nd grade, give or take. She was heavy too but despite her weight, she had an absolutely beautiful face, skin that tanned like no other and the main thing that I didn't have- she had a smaller bone structure so even though she was heavy, she had the smallest ankles and wrists. (Can we say JEAL---OUS?) One day Missy and I were on the bus and she was comparing her wrists to mine. Why...who knows. Anyhow, she made it painfully clear that you could see the bump on her wrist (the one on the outside of your arm) and mine you couldn't see. I was quickly dubbed as having no wrists. Yep, that sure pissed me off and above all else, hurt my feelings. I've never forgot it and I've often looked at my wrists thinking about the conversation that day. I know it seems stupid but this fat girl remembers those things.
Over time I just accepted the fact that my wrists weren't obvious and even hidden behind thick skin but it didn't push me to do anything about it. At least not then. Meanwhile, I was still gaining weight as I had been throughout middle school. I would venture to say about 20 lbs. a year. My mom even tried to help me do something about it by signing me up for Nutrisystem. Back then it was even more expensive than it is now. I applaud her efforts (now that I'm looking back) but I didn't truly appreciate it at the time. In a total of $600 spent on food, I lost 5 lbs. She thought I was cheating the diet when I would go to Fantasy Island with my friends. Truth was...I didn't. I always drank water (or their special orange drink) from this big bottle I had. I spent my money on games but never on food. I just didn't lose any weight. Needless to say, mom cut that out after realizing I was getting nowhere. Can't blame her.
It may have been sometime after that when I started hoarding food, or at least that's what she called it. I thought I was just saving it for later. Know how you get all of that awesome candy at Halloween or Easter? Well I would sneak some and put it in my desk drawer in my room. Unfortunately I had a mother that was smarter than me (although I would NEVER admit that then!) and she would find it. I would get yelled at, and sorry mom, it's true, but called a few not so nice names. They stung but not enough for me to do anything about it. I think I just accepted me for who I was at this point. I tried to put the facade on that I didn't care what anyone else thought. Truth was, I cared, and I cared deeply. Those things hurt and they obviously stuck with me, if I'm able to tell about them today. I cried everytime the words "fat" or "lazy" were used to describe me. Truth hurts.
Eighth grade also introduced me into the world of dating. Now those of you who already know the WHO of my first dating experience...please don't hold that against me. Those of you who don't...well, again, name changes are important for a reason. Rob was from small town, NY where we were moving to at the end of my 8th grade year. I had met him on our weekend visits down there. He was a bit older, which of course was a status thing for me. I was barely a teenager and I had a 16 year old boyfriend. Awesome. I "dated" him for close to a year. It wasn't until he was sure we were moving down there that he finally broke up with me. I took it hard, as any teenie bopper would. I tried over and over to change his mind and it didn't work. I found out later...he dumped me because he didn't want people to see us together now that we would be in the same school. Sad, but very true. In the meantime though, while we were dating, I made choices that, looking back, defined who I was going to be for my high school years. Without going into details, I gained a fake self confidence that made me seem like I felt good about myself but no one knew what I truly felt on the inside. I didn't tell anyone because that wasn't cool. I hid it as well as I could. I couldn't hide that I was chunky. People could see that for sure. I guess I felt that if I acted a certain way, they wouldn't notice my outside appearance. Wishful thinking...
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