Chapter 4- High School Part 1

When people move and switch schools, they often go into a whole new situation without knowing a soul. I was lucky. I knew some people when I moved. I had a year to meet and greet and get to know people before I even started school there. The first day I walked into Small Town Central, it didn't make a difference- I was still the new girl. Luckily the 9th grade class had another new person at the same time so a lot of the attention was off me. I must not have liked it that way because as soon as I could, I started finding ways to get attention, but that's for another blog...one that I won't make public for sure!

In case you've never moved from Suburbia to Small Town, let me fill you in on some differences. In Suburbia, you are lost among the many others. Yes, I got picked on, as you have already read but on a large scale, (no pun intended), there were so many other people to choose from. I got lost in the mix. Basically what made you "popular" one day would fizzle out the next because the focus would change to someone else. In Small Town what you did one day lasted in peoples minds for a lifetime. There's no one else to choose from. As they say, "Pickins are slim". In Suburbia I had an 8th grade class of about 240; in 9th grade at Small Town Central my class size was about 40. Yep, big difference. In Suburbia, Middle and High School put together boasted about 1500 kids (that didn't include the 2 elementary schools each with about 750 students each). In Small Town- K-12 was in one building and totaled about 500 kids.

In Small Town, everyone knows your name, kinda like Cheers. In Suburbia, only your clique or friend group knows you and truthfully, they're the only ones that give a damn. In Small Town you rarely have to try out for teams whereas in Suburbia, trying out for sports is a regular ritual known only to the jocks because they intimidate others into not bothering. In Small Town, at least in 1991-1995 you were seperated by your goal for a diploma. Seriously, there were the Regents kids and the Non-Regents kids. Sad but true. In Suburbia you were split by your social group only. Jocks, Preps, Losers, Geeks, Loners, Trouble-Makers...just to name a few. I went from a Loser/Geek in Suburbia to a Regents kid in Small Town. I was pretty sure this was an upgrade at the time. Still not sure what it was to be honest.

Now don't get me wrong. I was a good student. I tried hard and did okay. I certainly wasn't the smartest in my class but I made it through. Socially, I tried to make friends and get along with people, no matter who they were or what they looked like. Honestly though, as a teenager, that is tough. I did make some pretty good friends that year. That was the year I met my future husband, I just didn't know it and sure wouldn't have believed it then had you told me. Above all, I did what normal teens do to drive their parents crazy. I don't think I went all rebel or anything. My parents were pretty trusting of me until I screwed it up, which I did without much effort. I just found little ways to get attention-unfortunately the wrong kind- but I didn't know that then. I think that subconsciously I was looking for other ways to get people to pay attention to me for something besides my size. It worked, well...sort of.

Until now, I've mentioned next to nothing about my family. Well here's where my sister played a role in my adolescent years. For those of you who don't know, she's 4years younger and for those of you who don't know her, we'll call her Marsha. What sucks more than being overweight during the teen years? Being overweight and having a gorgeous younger sister! Yep, it's true. Marsha was always noticed for her good looks, her body and sometimes her personality. People looked at her as a snob, stuck up and/or a rich bitch but the truth was, she wasn't. She was just clear on who she was and what she would and would not tolerate. I wish I had half of that characteristic then. Was I jealous of Marsha...yep. I can't deny it. Who wouldn't be?

I think the most memorable (and notably disgusting) point in my freshman year was when the guys in my class (all 14-15 years old) noticed Marsha, who was in all of 5th grade at the time. They had the balls to tell me "When she's older, we're gonna F*** her." Yeah. I wish I could tell you that it didn't bother me, but it did. What's most shameful though is that it didn't bother me in the "Don't touch my little sister or I'll kick your ass" way. I was actually jealous that they would notice her in that way. Not that I wanted to sleep with any one of them in particular but the idea that they would notice her over me really hurt. For the record, when she was older and I told her that, she laughed. Her comment was something to the effect of "Not on your life", but I'm positive there were other words in there.

So I bet you're wondering what else I did for attention. Well, sorry, not going to tell you all of the juicy details. What I can tell you is that I continued to look for ways to be noticed, sometimes by an individual, sometimes by a group. I even joined ski club, just so I could hang out with a guy that I had a crush on. Kyle (yes name change) and I had spent some time hanging out as friends but that was it. I was into him and as usual, he wasn't into me but I wasn't going to give up! No siree! I begged my parents to buy a ski package and let me join up. Little did they know it was all so I could be around Kyle. So, I started skiing. If you've never been, it's a hell of a workout. I spent every Sunday night that winter skiing my brains out (on the bunny slopes) and every Monday walking like I had a corn cob stuck up my ass because every muscle was sore beyond belief. Funny thing was...Kyle was a far more advanced skiier than I was and I never once saw him the whole night I skiied. Plan backfired. I still skiied because I was too afraid to tell my parents that I didn't want to. As it turned out though, I ended up sticking with it all the way through high school. (I'm probably the current queen of the bunny slopes though!)

It was in 9th grade that I discovered cheerleading. Yeah, I bet you're like...oh shit- big girl jumping around...watch out! Don't worry, so was I. The skinny girls cheered and inside my head, I wanted to be a skinny girl. Who am I kidding? I wanted to be a skinny girl on the outside too. In any case, one of the girls in my class talked me into it and I figured why not. Believe it or not, this could have been a turning point for me, IF I had used it properly. I ended up on the JV squad which looking back now, was a joke. At the time though, we were proud of everything we did, and we had reason to be. We worked our asses off (some of us literally!) to make something decent out of our squad. I wish I could tell you I was a flyer-the girl on the top of the pyramid-but I wasn't. (Thank goodness-I'm afraid of heights!) I made a hell of a base though. I was actually looking fairly fit at that point. I was still bigger but I was getting in shape. Whoever said Cheerleading wasn't a sport is full of it! I gained a lot of muscle during cheer season. Granted it was from walking up and down our incredibly long driveway to get to practice, but muscle is muscle and muscle must grow! I wonder if I negated that muscle when I got home and ate potato chips and had a soda???

Somewhere near the spring of freshman year I got caught. My mom went through my jewelery box and found them. The little oval shaped pills that I thought would help me look like those skinny girls. Diet pills. Our world today is full of them. It's a multi-billion dollar industry. Back in 1992, they were just becoming more popular. I couldn't even tell you how I got my hands on them. Good ol' Dexatrim. "Suppresses your appetite so you don't eat as much". Yeah, right. Boy did I get in trouble for that. I honestly didn't understand why. I mean, it was my life. I could do what I wanted to, right? My mom didn't know what she was talking about. If I wanted to take them, I could because it was MY body. She was just being over protective. Yeah. I thought all of those things then but I was a teenager. I owned the world! The truth was, I hadn't taken even ONE of those little pills. They were sitting in my jewelery box because I thought I needed them but was too afraid to put them in my mouth. Maybe I thought they would be addictive. Maybe I was afraid of what side effects they would have. I don't know. I honestly don't. What I do know it that wasn't the only time in my life I resorted to pills to try to solve my weight problem.