Chapter 5- High School Part Deux

Before I continue this blog, I guess it's important to mention that I am fully aware that my life as a teenager wasn't terrible. It wasn't like I was picked on so much that I didn't think I could go on. I wasn't ridiculed beyond the point of wanting to go to school. I wasn't a complete outcast. I'm sure there were things said behind my back but I can't tell you for sure. In any case, if you're looking for that story that tells you how awful things were and how I overcame such adversity to be where I am today, you're not going to get it from this blog. What you are going to get is a good look into how life was for me as the overweight, larger girl. The funny thing is, whether you're fat, skinny, short, tall, black, white or anywhere in between, you can probably relate to these memories. It's not just about being overweight. It's about not being what our society considers "perfect". You'll see how my size dictated who I was, or was trying to be. You'll see how my choices came directly from my self-esteem, or lack thereof. Finally, you'll see (eventually) how we change as individuals throughout the years. Thank God for that!

At one point in 9th grade I started "dating" a classmate. We can call him Kevin. I'm not sure now if I actually liked him, or I liked the fact that he paid attention to me. In any case, part of our dating agreement was that we keep it quiet. Yeah. Stupid huh? At the time though, Kevin was paying attention to me so I was more than willing to keep my mouth shut. Of course I told my closest friends and luckily I could trust them. I laugh now thinking about this pettiness, but at the time it was pretty damn important. I know now why he wanted to keep it a secret but then I was just happy to have him around.

If anyone knows what the art tables looked like back then at Small Town Central, you'll understand completely about the next part of this story. I was sitting at one of the tables and someone in class said "Hey, Maxine- look", so I went to their table and took a peek. There, in plain sight, plain as day, was "Max is fat" in black marker amongst the other, less obvious graffiti. Of course I wanted to cry but I wasn't going to do it. Not in front of these people. I'm not going to let these people see that these things hurt. I'm above that. I'm more than that. Instead, I set to figuring out who wrote it.

In Small Town, if you don't change your underwear for a day, EVERYONE knows it so I figured this would be a piece of cake. It was. Or at least I got an answer. I never did figure out if it was the correct one. I was told by someone, who was told by someone else, who of course, over heard it in the local restraint (ok, it wasn’t that bad, but you can’t blame me for a little dramatic effect!) It was THAT guy, you know, the one who I was secretly dating, Kevin. Yeah- that's what everyone told me so it MUST have been true. When confronted, he denied, denied, denied. I don't think I completely believed him but it really didn't matter. That was the end of that "relationship". Would you believe it though? I did not break up with him. He totally dumped me a few days later. Even after possibly being the one who degraded me on an art room table, I still felt it was more important to feel accepted and “date” someone than it was to protect my dignity. It's so strange to be a teenager. Funny thing was, I didn’t talk to him for the rest of our high school years until we were seniors. That's a hard thing to do in Small Town.

It was shortly after that when I got into my first fight, well sort of. Kevin seemed to move on fairly quickly, or so I had heard. I was in shop class one day (I hated that class so much!) and the one girl in my class Brianna (name change! Ha!) decided to fill me in on her "escapades" with Kevin in the grandstands by the baseball field. Oh yeah. I was pissed. It was typical girl drama now that I look back, but then....it was so much more than drama! So Brianna fills me in on this supposed make-out fest with Kevin and my blood got boiling. I finally blurted out something to effect of "he's only doing it cuz you're a whore". Now keep in mind, this was not at all like me. I normally talked behind someone's back, not to their face! The horror! Anyhow, she immediately pushed back her chair and stepped to me. I got up and stepped to her. I know my mind was racing...do I hit her? Shit, I'm going to be grounded at home if I do. In a split second I raised my fist, reeled back and.....wham, she kicked me in the crotch. In another split second I became painfully aware that if I hit her in the face I may actually do damage so I went straight for her....shoulder. Damn that hurt. She was bony as hell and looked anorexic! Mr. Cleaver (if you went to Small Town Central, you know who I mean!) sent us out of there and we both got put on the list. Some fight huh? I had to think about why the whole thing even bothered me. I know now what it was. It was that Kevin had broken up with me (who wasn't perfect but...) to go get all kissy faced with this girl, who was skinny (definitely not perfect either) but she was skinny! I surely wasn't.

The rest of high school was a blur in so many ways. I probably gained another 20 lbs this year. I couldn’t even tell you for sure what I weighed. I do know that when I graduated in 1995 I was somewhere around 160 lbs. That’s an estimate. So in grades 9 and 10 figure around 120-140 lbs. Over the course of a year, 20 pounds isn't seen right away. I would like to say (and many people did) that it was muscle building due to sports and that incredible walk from school to home. My mom always told me, "Muscle weighs more than fat". She was right...but I don't really think I had a lot of muscle going on. Whatever.

Anyhow, that year I decided out of the blue to play volleyball. I knew absolutely NOTHING about the sport but again, I wanted to be accepted and the girls in my class who were popular (and may I add very good at volleyball!) were on the team and I figured- what the hell- I can do this. I sucked, but it was worth it. I learned a lot about myself that season. Although I made very good friends with the bench, (I had secretly named it Billy) I truly enjoyed the sport. Volleyball made me feel better but you know what? It didn't make me more popular. It didn't help me get in with that crowd any better. On my walk home every day I would stop at the store downtown and buy a Crystal Pepsi (they didn't make those for very long). Do you know how much sugar I was putting in my body every day? I didn't then, but I do now! Ugh!

Once volleyball season was over, I went right into cheerleading. I was still a good base and I was still enjoying it so there was no reason to give it up. Besides, even with gaining weight, I was still looking okay. I was busy all of the time so I didn't have time to eat much. Apparently this wasn't good either but I didn't know that then. What was even better is that I was making friends outside of the normal group. All was good. I couldn't complain. Then....FISHY. Yes, you read that right. FISHY. Yeah, sounds weird but I remember it well.

I was getting my books for my next class when I opened my locker and there, on my little locker mirror, in blue permanent marker, was the word FISHY. I was shocked. I had no idea what this meant. I had no idea why it was there. I was completely confused. If we had texting, a WTF would be called for right then! I honestly had to ask a few people what the heck it meant. Finally, someone enlightened me. If you were fishy, you smelled, and it wasn't under the arms if you know what I mean. WHAT??? Are you kidding me? Hell no. Not me! Why would someone do that?
I figured it out later. One of my friends, who was apparently mad at me for something else had conspired with another girl to do it. She later told me they just couldn't think of anything else to write. (Like Fat Ass didn't cross their minds??? Come on!) So, no, I didn't smell like fish but I realized then that it didn't matter if I was fat or not...people were going to find something to hurt your feelings with, no matter what. In fact, it became painfully obvious that it didn't matter if I was chunky or not. People were going to pick on me for something no matter what I did or didn't do. Go figure.

Remember back in 8th grade when I had that first boyfriend? Well there was a part I left out, intentionally. It was through that boyfriend back then that I met someone (his best friend at the time) that I ended up becoming very close to through my high school years. (Let's call him Jake) Although it wasn't obvious in school (no one asked to keep this quiet, it just worked out that way) we hung out on and off outside of school. It went in streaks. We would watch Bills games together (this was when they were actually good!) and then not talk for a while. We would just chill on a nice night but then act like we hardly knew each other in school. It just was that way. Strange. So why do I tell you this? He ended up being a big part of my life later on. Beyond that though, and I never thought about this then, he was the first person I dated that did not judge me for my weight, size, looks or anything for that matter. He didn't try to take advantage of the fact that I had low self esteem and exploit it in some stupid way.