Chapter 9- Sophomore Stupidity or Seredipity?

The entire summer between freshmen and sophomore years of college was spent working, babysitting, partying, taxi-driving my sister around, partying, working and worrying if I was going back to college or not. (Yes, I mentioned a couple of those twice…for emphasis). One thing I didn’t do, was worry about my weight. I guess it was always at the back of my mind but it wasn’t something I thought about regularly. Looking back, I realize how unhappy I was but of course then, I was just searching to find out who I was, what I was going to be and how I was going to get there. That 1.9 GPA wasn’t getting me anywhere. Somewhere in the middle of the summer though, my parents did agree to allow me to go back to Elmira for my second year BUT I had to pay for it myself. I agreed because I had no friggen clue what else to do. Little did I know what I was signing up for, or for that matter, what was going to happen that year to change my life. I had been an accounting major and failed miserably at it (hence the 1.9) so I looked for "whatever was easiest" or so I told my college counselor. I signed up for my first class in elementary education. Yeah, I know...it's not easy but hey...what did I know?

It was late August, the day before I was headed back to college for the year and of course that meant PARTY! I drove around Small Town, actually several small towns looking for someone who wanted to hang out and finally did find a group that had nothing else to do. We found something to do! Again, as I reflect, I realize that even though it sounds like I was having the time of my life, I really wasn’t. It was a terrible feeling having to actually FIND someone to hang out with. If you have friends, you just call someone and see what they’re doing. You shouldn’t have to drive all over creation looking for someone to hang with. Now, it’s not that I didn’t have friends. I just didn’t have anyone that I was that close with to hang out with. The few that I was close with either were busy or didn’t want to do anything.

So, after a long night of drinking beverages I shouldn’t have been, I had to get up and drive to college. Word to the wise. Don’t do this. EVER. Half way down the expressway, I had to pull over and puke on the shoulder. When I got there and started unpacking I realized I hadn’t packed ANY underwear and only one towel. Yeah, that sucked. I basically spent the whole first week of my sophomore year wearing the same pair of underwear, washing them in the sink OR going without…which is NOT fun to do as an overweight female. Trust me. First thing Friday when classes were out…I rushed home. Can’t imagine why.

Forgetting those underwear may have actually been the best thing that happened to me. Believe it or not, had I not done that, Sean and I may not be together today. So I went home that weekend (showered and changed!) and went out driving to see if anyone was out and about. Of course none of my friends were, but there on Main St, well just off, was a group of people hanging around, one of those being Sean. While I wasn’t friends with anyone there, I did know several of them and Gina (back from high school) was there with her boyfriend. I just pulled up and decided to hang out. Hell, there was nothing better to do.

After several hours of doing absolutely nothing but listening to Sean's friends make fun of him and stress the idea that he and I should "hook up", Sean asked me if I wanted to get together the next night to watch a movie. Sure. Why not. I didn’t have anything better to do. I immediately called one of the few friends in Small Town that I had. Sandra (name change of course) and I “consulted” about the meaning of this invite for the next 24 hours. I finally came to the conclusion that I would go but I wasn’t into the whole idea of dating because, I was just happier being able to do what I wanted to (as if I hadn’t before- God I was selfish!) without having to deal with anyone. Besides, wasn’t I jumping the gun? Dating? Seriously? The guy just asked me to watch a movie with him and to be honest, I hadn’t really cared for him before, why would that change? Whatever. He was at least paying attention to me.

I went to his house and watched Tombstone. I couldn’t tell you a damn thing about that movie because for one, I hate Westerns. For two, I couldn’t follow it because my head was spinning. I remember clearly thinking “What is wrong with this? Why is he even bothering with me? He must just want a piece of ass because what other reason would someone be interested?” Yeah. I know. But I seriously thought those things. I remember it like it was yesterday. We stayed up almost all night talking, as cliché as that sounds. For someone who I didn’t think much of, I realized we had a lot in common. I left and went home somewhere around 3:00 a.m. and felt somewhat better. I can’t say that I had any better self esteem but I had this weird feeling like I had just met the 3rd and final guy in my life that would like me for me and not judge me on what was on the outside.

I WAS RIGHT

The next weekend I came home to visit Sean (this time without an underwear issue) and we hung out, watched a movie and when I left his house that night, the infamous (if you were at the wedding a year or so later, you know why it was so infamous) comparison about finding the right girl. It went something like this. “Finding the right person in your life is like finding the perfect pick-up truck- you gotta keep looking until you find the right one”. The rest…as they say…is history.

But that’s not where my weight struggle ended. Not even close. As a matter of fact, it only got worse. I was so comfortable with Sean and knew without a doubt that he accepted me as I was, that I took even less care of myself. I didn’t care what I ate. We made processed food because that was quick and easy. We ordered out a lot because he didn’t have a lot of bills so we had money (yeah right!). We also did the one thing that I wasn’t supposed to be doing…drinking. I think almost every weekend we went out and drank and despite my throwing up almost every time, I still gained plenty of weight. I would venture to guess that I was about 190 by the end of sophomore year in college. It doesn’t seem like much more than high school but I had a tiny bit of saving grace that year. Too bad it didn't hit me until much later that this could have been the beginning of the end of the weight problem.

Sophomore year I took a lifeguarding class for college credit. The main requirement to pass was to swim 20 lengths of the pool in under 10 minutes. I was a hell of a swimmer BUT with my weight and lack of exercise, I couldn’t even begin to do it. I tried though. My first day swimming got me a time of 15 minutes 46 seconds. SUCKY! Get this though. This is the kicker. After I would get done swimming, I would get changed, eat some Pringles and drink Mountain Dew. Yeah, breakfast of champions! Sometimes I would have a yogurt but mostly it was the chips and dew diet.

So you ask “why?” Well, I knew fairly early on in sophomore year that I wasn’t going to be able to afford to pay for college as my parents were requiring me to, which meant I was going to have to leave at the end of the year. The meal plan they purchased had plenty of money on it but I didn’t want to use it so I bought the cheap stuff which happened to be chips and pop. Occasionally I would have a roast beef or egg salad sub but mostly it was crap food. I knew that at the end of the year, I would have plenty of money left over to buy tons of crap to take home with me. That would be less food I would have to worry about over the summer. Stupid thinking…I know. I seriously think that was the hoarding issue coming through again.

So each class (twice a week) I swam my ass off, literally. My time slowly improved and I felt like I was making a personal goal each time I took seconds off. I wasn’t paying attention to my weight or what I looked like; I only looked at my time. It sounds crazy, but the better it got, the better I felt about myself. Sean would call at night and I would tell him about how my time changed each class and he would always praise me. It felt good. I still knew I would never hit the 10 minute mark but I got more determined as each class went by. Oddly though, I never put it together that if I quit smoking and ate healthier, I would have blown that 10 minute mark out of the water! I just wasn’t willing to change like that. I thought I could just get by on practicing. I was at least proving to people that I wasn't lazy, or at least I tried to make it look that way.

I almost did get by too. My final time, after an entire semester of swimming, was 11 minutes 12 seconds. I took some major minutes off my time. It wasn’t where it should be, but the instructor passed me anyhow. I passed all of the other requirements, and she noticed what a tremendous improvement I had made so she felt I could pass.

One of the best achievements of my life- passing that lifeguarding class. Not only could I swim 20 lengths of the pool in 11 minutes 12 seconds, but I got my fat ass into a tight bathing suit in front of people!!! I hadn’t done that since the Swim-a-thon!

Sean proposed in December that year. I know...we only dated for about 3 months but it was meant to be. What most people don't know is that on election day in November that year, I actually proposed to him. I was so confident about our relationship that I took that chance. Now it wasn't with a ring or anything but the words were said and tears were cried and there was some utterance of a yes in there. I don't know if either of us took it seriously but it lead to him officially proposing in December. This time, it was right. This time, I wasn't going to mess it up. This time, something was different.

For those of you not familiar with Elmira College, they have tri-mesters not just normal semesters. Basically you get a third, shorter section of classes to take. I didn't make it to my sophomore third semester. It wasn't because of my grades. I had brought them up and been removed from academic probation. I was pulling a 2.8 (not great but better!). It was because every weekend I came home, I was spending almost every day with Sean. I was getting money from my parents and blowing it on partying and overall, I was being very ungrateful to my parents. I stopped following the rules they set because I thought I was hot shit. I felt on top of the world. I had an awesome fiance, we had some awesome friends (both at Elmira and home) and nothing could touch me. Apparently, something could. I broke it to my mom that Sean and I were going to plan a wedding and (still very sore from the first dress being partially paid for, then cancelled), she flipped. A very terrible mother/daughter arguement ensued and before long, she told me to move my stuff out. So I did. I could do this on my own. I didn't need her, or them.

That's what I tried to think, but I was so wrong. In any case, in March 1997, I moved in with Sean, much to my dislike. I didn't want to be in that position but apparently, this hot shit couldn't afford to do anything else. I didn't have a full education to be able to get a good job and with college expenses, I didn't have a chance to go back from the looks of it. I was screwed. So much for knowing everything. Why couldn't my self-esteem work in the right way??? Damn.